SEC FANS: Best and Worse: the Rankings and a True Story

   

     After re-reading my previous post, I realized my generalization of the South could easily be interpreted as a overly critical.  So I will backtrack a bit, the South is not simply a barren wasteland of meth-labs and degenerates clinging to the fringe of civilzation, it also houses some of the greatest people in this country, and more importantly, is home to the best college football conference in the land, hands down.

     My previous post, was an inarticulate attempt to illustrate that it is BECAUSE of the dearth of metropolitan areas rife with professionals and entertainment options, that the South is the undisputed king of college football.  In other words, whether your an alum, student, or just live near a major SEC university, you take a literal, even visceral pride in that school’s football program.  There are likely a number of reasons for this.  First, as I elaborated on extensively below, there are no institutions that rival the universities in the South; no competition exists on television or radio for the hearts and minds of the residents of the Southern states (South Florida notwithstanding).  At the core of southern college football fanaticism is a religious (literally) and illogical allegiance to your school’s football teaml, a fact best summarized by the following TRUE story.

True Story:

SNL befriended a guy we’ll call Tom during the first week of law school at UF.  Tom went to undergrad at Princeton, where football ranks just below swimming and Lacrosse in terms of popularity, and the co-eds are actually coveted for their brains.  Tom and SNL promptly hit the local bars to take in the sights.  Dashing young law students, we were quickly making time with a group of co-eds who, while not quite the caliber of the porn stars above, were more than presentable. 

Shortly thereafter, three gator football players began making coquettish overtures towards our co-ed friends (Yes, I’m  describing the lecherous advances of an intoxicated 6′2, 225lb major college strong safety as “coquettish”).  To my surprise and delight, the co-eds weren’t interested.  At their request, Tom, horn-rimmed glasses and all, politely asked the ballers to beat it whereupon he was told to “shut the fuck up white boy, ‘less you want yo’ ass whupped.”

Later, after “moons over myhammy” at a nearby Denny’s, Tom turned to me and said:  “You mean we’re supposed to go sweat our asses off in that damn oven (the Swamp) every Saturday to cheer on a bunch of guys that will try and kick our ass and sleep with our dates if we see them out on the town?”

“Yep,” I replied without hesitation.

Tom eyed me quizzically for a moment before saying “Damn, you Southerners REALLY ARE stupid.”

And that, my friends, epitomizes the insane devotion that underpins Southern football. 

THE RANKINGS (WORST TO BEST):

1.  Alabama:  ‘Bama fans are a lot like a 50-something peroxide blond who is indignant because she is not the bell of the ball, despite a new boob job or face lift.  It takes only minute before ‘Bama fan reminds you how “hot” ‘Bama was back in the day-you know, “the day” being sometime before the advent of the BCS, cell phones, Ipods, and blogging. 

Sadly, ‘Bama will be good again, and much like the bench-warmer on your high school football team who later becomes a cop, we will all be the worse for the resulting power trip.  I’m already dreading the endless calls from the “Bucks” and “Bubbas” that seem to comprise a full 30% of the ‘Bama fan base telling all within earshot how ‘Bama has resumed its spot among CFB’s royalty.

2.  Tennessee:  UT at number 2 is purely subjective.  SNL happened to ne in Knoxville after the Gaffney reception that was ruled a touchdown and later that day, was almost bludgeoned by a group of UT hooligans, one of whom WAS WEARING A COON SKIN HAT FOR CRIPE’S SAKES!!!

3.  Georgia:  Georgia rated much lower until being awakened last year by beating the Gators with 1/2 a Tebow.  A Georgia victory in 2008 will likely catapult the ‘dawgs to #1.  Run Lindsay, Run!!

4.  Florida:  Yep, the old Alma Mater ranks 4th.  I hate to admit it but UF’s slow transition from a genteel southern university to a babysitter for South Florida’s urban youth has spawned a nastier breed of gator. 

5.  LSU/Auburn:  I like both of these fan bases for the most part.  They’re tied for 5th because they are fervent and when called for, which is often lately, boisterous.

6. South Carolina:  Love the trip to SC.  Nice folks who tend to  revel a bit too much in the metaphoric glory that comes with being nicknamed the “Cocks,” but better them than me.

7.  Kentucky:  Irritating, like an insect.  UK is plummeting now that they suck in basketball too. 

8.  Ole Miss:  Somewhat of an enigma-kind of a wine and cheese meets brisket crowd.  The Grove is fantastic though.

9.  The rest:  No way to rank the remainder.  Vandy?  Are you kidding me, the only obnoxious thing at Vandy is the sweaters they tie around their pencil necks.

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Next:  Vtech at ECU