DEGENERATE GAMBLERS: SNL’S FINAL CARD

1 Star Pick (times 1 million)

USC (-19.5) at Virginia: 

What Vegas thinks YOU think:  On its face, this spread is large enough to scare the seasoned gambler, who knows not to lay a ton of points on the road in an opening game against a BCS foe.  The soothsayers atop their Vegas temples that orchestrated this line also think you will recall last year’s stingy Cavalier defense, anchored by Howie Long’s son.  Ergo, the degenerates, clinging to tried and true gambling principles, will be hesitant to lay almost 3 TD’s on a road-team that had to travel 3,000 miles.

Also, fresh in the minds of the gambling public (you know who you are) is SC’s loss to Stanford as a 41-point favorite. 

What SNL says:  “Fuhget about it!!!”  The all-world Long was the only UVA player who could have even sniffed the field for USC, and he is LONG-gone (get it!).  Oh yeah, so is Long’s partner in crime, Jeff Fitzgerald (7 sacks in ‘07), an academic casualty who will undoubtedly surface at a community college and ultimately land in the SEC-West.  In sum, the team that won 6 games last year by 5 points or less is nowhere to be found.

Erstwhile, in the West Coast Gotham, the Trojans have gone through another methodical off-season which saw another (yawn) top 3 recruiting class and by all acounts, is fielding a defense that would rank middle of the pack in the NFL.  Oh yeah, this team has also won its last 4 openers by an average of 30+ points. 

Not convinced yet?  Oh well, you are stupid.  Gamble away my carefree friends, this is a mortal lock.

USC (-19.5)

 1 Star Pick (times 250,000)

Florida Atlantic (+24) at Texas:  Q:  The image above is:

a)  A Russian Politician.

b)  Wilford Brimley’s erudite younger brother.

c)  FAU Coach, Howard “the mouth ” Schnellenberger.

If you guessed c) and reside outside of the southern tip of Florida, you are most likely without female companionship, which will not change anytime soon Mr. “I’m in 7 fantasy leagues.”  Moving on, Schnellie remains the man that led Da’ U to its first national title and now coaches  FAU’s football team, which returns SBC Player of the Year, Rusty Smith.  True, FAU is housed in Boca Raton, Florida, home to strip-malls, swimming pools, and rich sycophants with last names ending in “berg” and “stein.”  Also true that FAU boasts a student body of only 10,000.  Nonetheless, this is the House that Scnellie built, albeit on questionable foundations, and is the current home of the defending Sun Belt Football Champions.

In additon to FAU’s star quarterback, a consensus first-round draft pick in 2009, FAU returns 16 starters from last years campaign which ended with victories of Troy and Memphis.  In the “you dumbass, why’d you go and do that column,” sits Schnellie’s recent decision to call out the Texas Longhorns as a bunch of nancy-boys who were going to get hit in the mouth all day by FAU’s stalwart  defenders, most of whom were starters on last years 99th ranked defense. Not the cleverest use of “strategery” by Schnellie.

Texas, conversely, is stacked with blue-chippers but returns only 5 starters on a defense that allowed a staggering 60.7% completion rate against it in 2007.  Muschamp’s addition will make a difference, but probably not enough to cover this large number against a team that can pass the ball as efficiently as FAU.

In addition to being a harbinger of approaching senility, Schnellie’s slip of the tongue will undoubtedly have the Longhorn’s in a belacose staqte come Saturday, which has caused SNL to lower this game from a 500,000 star pick to a mere 250,000 star pick.  Nonetheless, look for FAU to cover this large number through the back-door after the ‘Horns have iced the game and turn their attention to the co-eds, which is more than a worthy pursuit in Austin.

Pick:  FAU (+24)

-So Sayeth the Shepherd