THE CLOSE OF DISCOVERY: OPENING STATEMENTS BEGIN SATURDAY

Even a hack attorney thaqt graduated from anunaccredited MUNY night school knows that next to voire dire (picking a jury-see O.J. simpson murder trial for further prrof), tThe “discovery phase” of litigation is likely the most important compnent of a trial.  Discovery is governed by rules of procedure which SNL would explain further were there a way to accomplish this without boring you to tears-literally.  Suffice it to say that discovery is aninvestigative process which firms with alot of money can use to sift through endless reams of paper, depose witnesses, and basically over-investigate the merits of a claim brought by those attorneys who dare fight for the “little man.”  The “trial phase” comes at the close of the discovery and as all of you know, the verdict is not far behind. 

Well friends, after 4 weeks of CFB, discovery is closed and the trial is set to begin over the next 4 weeks or so-here’s what we’ve learned:

Houston Nutt has a good team that, like an otherwise attractive girl with an awful lisp or giant nose, just isn’t cute enough to introduce to your friends.  Last week, Ole’ Miss turned the ball over 6 teams en route to a home loss to Vandy-who incidentally, is now the hegemonic power in the state of Tennessee-despite outgaining the Commodores by 200 yards.  What we’ve learned during the discovery phase is that this club will be exciting, score some points, and allow even more.  Should be fun at The Swamp Saturday.

 Phillip Fulmer, cleverly dubbed “The Waist” in one UT publication (have been to Tennessee, this is clever in a relative sense), is now taking potshots at fans with the temerity to boo his bumbling troops at home games-see below.

“Because somebody boos in the stands doesn’t mean you don’t have the support,” Fulmer said. “That just means they’re passionate about what they do. They just want to win. Ninety-five percent of them probably never played football before, or maybe not played a sport. … I would have booed a couple things I saw out there if I’d have been in the stands.

SNL is often wrong, particularly on domestic matters, but this seems to be indictment of the athletic prowess of approximately 95,000 people by a very, very, portly man.  The debacle that is UT should reach a veritable frenzy of hillbilly venom after the Tigers of the Auburn Variety take out their frustrations on the rapidly sinking Vol-ship this Saturday.  What we’ve learned about UT is that this will get worse before it gets better and as SNL previously posted, is likely to end with Fulmer on a platter with an apple in his mouth.

In the words of SNL’s man Vinny, who decided not to gun SNL down outside a local bistro after his Hokies stuck it to the Heels, “LSU is freakin’ good.  They gonna’ kick the Gators ass.”  Dunno about that, but LSU is easily the most formidable team from a talent standpoint in the SEC.  Assuming their QB play continues to improve, it is tough to see them not representing the West this year.

 Nick Saban has inspired the locals to unprecedented heights by virtue of his teams 4-0 start.  As you can see, this is a “mixed-bag” at best.  SNL knows that most of you will view the unidentified man above as the embodiment of Ally-Bammy, which is rife with meth-labs, banjoes, and guns, and guess what-you’re right.  That said Darth Saban has given the most-delusional fans in the CFB world a viable reason to believe that thay are back where they belong.  The good news for visiting fans is that most of this guy’s friends watch the ‘Bama games on the “moving picture box.”

ELSEWHERE…Steve Spurrier has opened each offensive position to competition this week-and has purportedly extended an invite to tryout for the ‘Cocks to the students in the wake of last week’s 23-13 victory over Wofford…

West Virginia’s Board of Governors is already exploring the possibility of replacing Coach Stewie-at a cost of $4 million or so-no wonder this state is so poor…

The PAC 1+9 continued its race to the bottom of the CFB world as the only team of note (and SNL uses this term loosely) outside the City of Angels was throttled at home by the monsters of the Smurf-Turf, Boise St.  Look, SNL is willing to concede that conference supremacy is somewhat cyclical, but the PAC-1 is miserable this year.  E-SPIN’s Colin Cowherd attributes the PAC-10’s woes to the fact that its schools lie primarily in urban settings which results in less emphasis being placed on the University football teams.  There may be some merit to this, but it reminds of me somewhat of Dean Wormser’s admonition to Belushi in Animal House:  “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.”

Finally, the SEC has plated for your viewing pleasure the following Games of the Year over the coming weeks:

Sept. 27: Alabama at Georgia, Oct. 11: LSU at Florida, Oct. 25: Georgia at LSU, Nov. 1: Florida vs. Georgia in Jacksonville, Nov. 8: Alabama at LSU. 

SNL is admittedly, a bit of a homer, but the cannibalism in the league has reached new heights and there is no doubt that winning the SEC is more difficult than winning the national championship under the current system.

-So Sayeth the Shepherd