Colt McCoy’s Mustache, RIP (And Week 1 Picks).

SNL has been a big McCoy fan since the frail by comparison freshmen ascended to the Longhorn throne in the wake of In-Vince-able’s tenure of dominance.  As my many laudits have noted, the name “Colt McCoy” conjures up visions of the legendary Texas heroes that valantly defended The Alamo in 1836.  Indeed, Colt McCoy’s quarterbacking of the ‘Horns was no doubt decreed by a higher power, and SNL remains respectful of this edict in a non-denominational sorta way. 

That said what is up with the lip warmer?  SNL, like most, is mindful if not appreciative of the group of offensive linemen who shave their heads or grow unseemly facial hair as a show of solidarity.  In context, even body painting is an acceptable public display.  But quarterbacks, especially quarterbacks at flagship universities, are not free to join their burly peers in such displays.  This is because our quarterbacks, from Tebow to Leinart, McCoy to  Bradford, are the CFB equivalent of male leads in our favorite action movies.  They are Russel Crowe in “Gladiator,” Daniel Craig as James Bond, Brad Pitt in the (awesome) “Inglorious Bastards.” 

In sum, the quarterback is a swashbuckling free spirit, envied by men and loved by women.  He does not always drink beer, but he does, its a Dos Equis.  Not that Colt is doing to shabby with the ladies.  So SNL will risk being impolitic to state the obvious:  Colt’s mustache looks as gay as gay can possibly get, times 2 (Not that there’s anything wrong with it).  My neighbor grew a mustache like this over the summer in eighth grade because “it showed the girls he had pubes.”  We all assume you have pubes, Colt, so good riddance to the ’stache. 

Now let’s move on to  2009’s CFB Investment Portfolio…

Week 1 Leans (YTD 0-0-0):

NC St. v. South Carolina (+4/46u):  Spurrier has become increasingly tight-lipped since beginning his tenure as the head of Gamecocks (no pun intended degenerates).  But the word on the street is that Garcia has improved and South Carolina has recruited well.  So, while the fun of Spurrier’s hubris has faded some-like Jessica Simpson’s beauty-she’s still hotter than YOUR girlfrined and Spurrier is better than YOUR coach (unless you’re a Gator, Sooner,Longhorn, Trojan, Tide, Tiger of the LSU variety, Razorback, Rebel, Bulldog, or…..ok, this could go on awhile, but you get the point).  On the other side of the ball is an angry red-headed dude, who is CFB’s equivalent of Tom Coughlin.  Which means he’s tough to like, but the man can coach.  SNL sees little value in the side here, but would take the doggie if the “sharps” push it up to 5.5.  However, there will be present on that fine evening in North Carolina a good qb, an average qb, and a great qb coach who loves to throw, even when his qb sucks.  In addition, this is the opening game of the season, which means boozing and gambling are essentially mandatory (If SNL weren’t married, there’d be more “mandatory” proclivities, but I digress).  OVER the number is the lean here, contingent, naturally, on the weather and late breaking injury news. 

Tulsa (-14) at Tulane:  SNL posted this just to see how many of you degenerates would look.  This game sucks by any objective measure and anyone wagering on this who is  not an alumnus or current student at these schools should be housed at Gitmo with the rest of the infidels-or are we the infidels?  Irrespective, if you’re wagering on this game, take a look in the mirror and think about what you’ve become. 

Georgia (+6/61u) v. Okie State:  Okie State is the chicest “darkhorse” this side of Oxford, but SNL ain’t buying what the E-SPIN heads are selling.  In the back of smoke-filled rooms in Vegas men with names like Randazzo, Moresci, and DePazz have determined that UGA’s loss of Stafford and Moreno is beginning of the end for this proud program.  SNL does not believe this to be true and will put at risk his fine, ok dubious, reputation on the line to sway flock members on the fence about this one.  I love the doggies here, figuratively and literally in this case.  Even better, the line should be full touchdown or more by the time the good folks at internet gambling sites post their spreads.  You hardcore degenerates may want to play a little bit with the money line here. 

Other leans that are smaller, but nicely shaped:

UK (+28.5) v. UT:  The Vegas must know something SNL doesn’t.  SNL does know, however, that Layla Kiffin is hot and her husband is a bit of an ass.  Still, he looks a little like Gruden, which amuses, and SNL is looking forward seeing UT return to respectability (SEC baby, Bros before Hoes).  Even so, this number is way to high unless, of course, Layla is on the sidelines in a bikini.  In which case, SNL will be the first to tell you , “there’s more to life than football, son.” 

Mizzou (+7) v. Illinois:  True, Zook is a bit of goofball.  But dammit, he used to be OUR goofball and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna sit here and listen to you…..had you didn’t I?  Zook’s ineptitude is no match for his offensive talent.  Ergo, SNL looks for Offensive talent to defeat Zooks bumbling mediocrity (and the defanged Wildcats of ”Mizzura’”) by 2 touchdowns. Lay the number fearlessly and start the year playing with house money.

As always, witty observations and scathing criticisms are welcome.

-So Sayeth the Shepherd