Opening Day at The Swamp: Yipes!

Many, SNL included, were surprised to say the least when Florida was ranked in the top 5 heading into the Brantley era.  The surprise, coupled with Urban’s track record and the unending ranks of blue chippers stockpiled in the UF coiffeurs, gave way to what we now know to be unsubstantiated optimism. Our burgeoning optimism was amplified by Pope Urban’s tight-lipped campaign, which was more secretive than General Petraeus’ latest offensive. Yep, the UF kool-aid was getting good, until today. In retrospect, the close-vested fall camp served only to turn today’s shameful show into the CFB equivalent of a big-budget hollywood flick that was worse than its trailer.

Before we go any further, we’ll preface by saying we are decidedly not “the sky-is-falling guy”, and by no means are we throwing in the towel on 2010.  We are, however, objective (perhaps to a fault), and employing the lens of objectivity to today’s game against Miami of Ohio can yield only one conclusion:  Florida has problems, lots of them.

The national heads will chronicle most of them amply; the woeful O-line play, the mediocre pass rush, receivers that can’t separate, and (did I mention?) the woeful O-line play.  Add for good measure, the interior pass rush that we thought would crush offenses from the inside out in the same way frat boys crush beer cans on their drunken foreheads to attract dim-witted co-eds, which was nowhere to be found; ditto for the O-line, the alleged strength of the team.  The secondary play, (without Will Hill, admittedly) was also below par.   

But seriously, has anyone ever seen the problems snapping the ball that we saw today?  Really, have you ever watched a more laughable QB exchange?  We at SNL kept waiting fo Benny Hill to run onto thefield with the Keystone Cops giving chase (and the snaggle-tooths in Bikinis).  Put another way, at what point during today’s game did you decide that da’ little U was better on offense than UF, because, after all, they could HIKE THE FREAKIN’ BALL?  Put yet another way, have you seen any team on UF’s schedule that looked less impressive in its debut?  UGA and FSU hung 50-something on their opening day fodder; South Carolina hung 40-something on a team that is as good or better than UF’s opening day foe, and looked crisp doing it. 

For the eternal optimist, there is this:  Urban can – with much enthusiasm, tell this team that as of today, they suck.  Can they get better?  Sure.  How much better?  Who knows.  But, if you look in the mirror, Gator fan, you will see a team that is now a co-favorite to win the East, and even this scenario is rosy when evidentiary principles are applied. 

For those more prone to doomsday scenarios there’s this:  Florida may be the third best team in the state this year, fourth if USF comes in and beats that a** next week, which the bulls and their drunken, low-end, mouth-jewelried fan base have to believe is possible after watching today’s pillow fight at The Swamp. 

Those prone to fatalism (if you sell your car after the battery dies, this is you), may note that today’s offensive debacle is a continuation of last year’s painful campaign, which was a lot like watching muffin-topped hillbilly chicks dance after a six-Zima bender on most Saturdays.  How many third and 20-somethings did we see today?  Urb was practically playing Techmo Bowl most of the time. 

Brantley was solid if unspectacular when he managed to field the snap, and he’ll likely be the savior this year; if one is to be had.  But in the aggregate, today’s showing was pitiful. 

Irrespective, football is here, so at least here’s that.