Foolmer

You are currently browsing the archive for the Foolmer category.

College Football: The way it is is the way it was (for the most part).

September 15, 2009 in ACC, BCS, BIG 10, Dr. Saturday, E-SPIN, Foolmer, Gators, PAC 1 + 9, The Hat, The Poodle, Vols | No comments

  The season is a mere 2 weeks old and, as always, the drama of CFB has seen the fortunes of many diametrically altered in a span of 3 and a hal hours this past Saturday.  In general, what stands out the most to SNL is not the ostensible resurgence of the Wolverines or comeuppance of the Houston Cougars, it’s the plodding inefficiency of specific regimes who thought  they were something other than what they are, but are in reality, are who they already were.  There’s also a few, who are what they never have been.  Make sense?   Let Me explain:

1.  The Vestwas bludgeoned again by The Poodle.  There is a great write-up on the Buckeyes’ offensive ineptitude on Dr. Saturday’s site, and SNL would be re-plodding plowed ground were he to get into all of them.  But some of the more noticeable deficiencies include the complete absence of the zone-read, which is the staple of every spread offense from Ann Arbor to Gainesville (and about a thousand high schools in between), and the failure to make USC cover the field (all of it, that is) by checking to a bubble screen when the Trojans (purposefully neglected) to place a man over the slot receiver.  

In laymen’s terms, Ohio State was advertised as a newly constructed offense built on the skills, shoulders and tattoos of its phenom QB (save some canvas TP, you may want to add a few more when you’re languishing on the bench in the NFL).  What Ohio St. is, however, is the same unimaginative, poorly coached and schemed offense that hasn’t been able to beat a team of equal talent since 2002-for those of you parochial by nature, this means a team outside the Big 10.  What is certain, or as certain as anything after 2 weeks, is that  Rich Rodriguez-irrespective of this year’s outcome-is a better coach than The Vest, and Big Blue will run The Vest out of town in another year or two.  Even worse, there is nothing left on the Buckeye schedule sufficient to buoy this year’s Buckeyes into the national consciousness.  In sum, OSU remains the team that is better than the other teams in its conference, but incapable of beating the best teams in the SEC, Big 12, or PAC 1 + 9, at least for now.

2.  Kiffin’s credentials, aside from his bridal selection, are worthy of questioning.  In fact, if you closed your eyes during the UCLA/UT game on Saturday for any reason other than excessive alcohol consumption, this game looked exactly like last year’s crap-bowl between these teams which was coached not by UT’s blonded boy-toy, but by his corpulent predecessor, Fool-mer.  The offense was straight outta’ Crompton, with the 5th-year senior throwing for less than 100 yards and 3 picks.  It seems safe to say the Fulmer could have could have produced this result and saved the school a ton of money and off-season embarrassment.  Speaking of which, Kiffin should be mouth agape by midway through the second-quarter this Saturday and suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder by 6:00 EST or so.  Best part:  Fulmer is CBS’ SEC analyst.  In sum, Kiffin is just a mouthier version of the old boss, and he’s also the Jabrone that marched into CFB’s most hyper-competitive conference (and its not even close) and made an ass out of himself without any independent achievements to support his sophomoric hubris.  

3.  Rich-Rod.  Say what you will about this guy, he’s a liar, he breaks the NCAA’sludicrous practice constraints for the NFL feeder league that is NCAA football etc…  This guy can Coach.  True, Michigan and ND both looked undersized and slow on the defensive side of the ball, but how can you not like this Forcier cat?  He’s small and ornery, like NCAAF’s version of Tanner from The Bad News Bears, and, unlike USC’s frosty-tipped signal caller, looks like he’s not a complete douche. 

4.  The OBC can still draw up some plays and, still struggles on occasion in the red zone.  3 field goals on possessions inside UGA’s 20, along with the worst kickoff coverage this side of Zook undid the Cocks, but credit the OBC for putting on a show following the nationally televised cat-fight with NCSU.   

5.  It’s official, USC is now poised for 2 weeks of BCSCG hype, followed by an untimely loss-or 2 if Saturday’s vanilla performance is a harbinger-and a season-ending win streak which will prompt the E-SPIN heads to sing in unison “SC is playing as well as anyone in the country right now.”   While it would be nice for Florida deliver a solid a**-kicking of the prophylactics in the BCSCG, the key to this wish is the phrase “right now,” which impliedly points out that the Trojans will have sucked against someone else that also sucks a month or so before. 

6.  Florida’s trip to Baton Rouge looks a little rosier to the uninitiated.  LSU was outgained by over 200 yards in Washington last week and judging by the scoreboard, struggled to put away Vandy.  This sentiment, which seems common amongst Florida fans, belies the fact that LSU was never threatened by Vandy, and coasted to relatively convincing victory nonetheless.  And, playing Vandy is about as exciting as drunk-dialing an ex-girlfriend at 2 a.m. becuase the girl you were buying drinks for all night lef with your buddy.  Still, it would be nice to see  The Hat joining The Vest and the cherub-faced Kiffin on the first train outta’ town if the Tigers get cleansed by the Gators on October 11, but don’t count on it.  

7.  Florida State’s trip to Gainesville looks like a horror show.  Hell, the ‘Noles may get pummeled so bad by the polygamists next week that they may just forfeit the remainder of the season.  The only upside for SNL is watching Bownden hem and haw on his
Sunday program, dropping punchy 1-liners like “I don’t know who #19 is,” and “I can’t remember what play we had called there.”  Like all sentient beings, SNL likes Bowden, but his equity in the program has dwindeld to an all-time low and it may be time to move on.  Bowden for Senate!  For the uninformed, the ‘Noles squeaked by Jackson St. last week after trailing most of the 4th-quarter.  Would it be an overstatement after 2 games to say the Florida State sucks-again?  Probably not.  But always looking to err on the side of caution, SNL will refrain from making so strident a statement for fear of a bellicose response from the ‘Nole readers, who don’t know what that last sentence means.  But, after Tech kicks the crap out of Da’U this Thursday, all bets are off.

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: BCS, Degenerate Gambler, LSU, Meyer, The Hat, The OBC, the Vest, UT

WHILE I WAS OUT……SATURDAY’S CARD AND OTHER ANECDOTAL MUSINGS

November 20, 2008 in ACC, ATS, BCS, Foolmer, Gators, LSU, Main Content, PAC 1 + 9, SEC, Saban, Vols | No comments

SNL’s apologies for the length of time between posts.  For the record, you can chalk it up to the usual litany of grown-man issues:  attention starved (but hot) wife; attention starved (but adorable) 1 yr-old son; and attention starved cases requiring maintenance in the form of mediations, motions, demands and the like.  Oh yeah, as evidenced below, SNL has also been forced to endure the South Beach diet, with admittedly stunning results, as you can see.

Naturally, SNL remains receptive to employment overtures from any mainstream media outlet.  Hell, he’d even goose step amongst the E-SPIN propagandists for a pittance…

There have been a number of inquiries since my last post-well, 10 to be exact.  Most were flattering calls for a speedy return from adoring readers.  The other 7 were typical ‘Bama fan vitriole calling for SNL’s death, threatening his family, and attacking his sexuality based on nothing more than his allegiance to his alma mater and unfettered hatred for the state of Alabama, its corpulent populace, 3-legged dogs, litter, love of fried shit, cigarettes and Code Red Mountain Dew, and most of all, its football team.

Interesting to note that the calls and e-mails from SNL’s Gator constituency continue to center around ‘Bama which means that, predictably, the Gators have discarded the viability of a ‘Nole (or Citadel) upset next week.  Go figure.
 

THE PICKS…

3-2 last week which means the wisby (This is a nickname SNL’s wife made for herself.  It is typically accompanied by a “husby,” which is SNL.  Embarrassing, but true.) is unlikely to receive her diamond earrings from Santa-husby.  But also means SNL does not owen Vincenzo any scratch and not in danger of losing a limb.

UW (-7.5) at Wazzou:  “This is a rivalry game…you can throw the records out the window…blah, blah, blah.”  These teams are a combined 1-20.  The gamewill not be televised nor would anyone watch if it were.  However, the winner of this game will be unofficially crowned the “second worst BCS team in 2009.”  This, friends, is a distinction worth fighting for!  Washington has been competitive of late, leading ‘zona in the 3rd quarter, and wants to send off Willingham in style.  Wazzou is lifeless, like a passed out tri-delt at homecoming.  Huskies roll!!!

Illinois v. Northwestern (+2.5):  Wrong team favored.  SNL wathced Zookers clubs quit on him for years and knows the recipe well.  Last week’s loss to the Buckeyes ensured that the Zookers will lie down this Saturday like the doormat bombshell that keeps letting you come over at 2:00 a.m. to say “hi.”  What’s her number again?

UT at Vandy (-3.5):  The Commies exact their revenge for years for years of futility by beating the poopie out of Foolmer’s despondent group.  For UT, the season mercifully ends-which is the only thing anyone dressed in that godawful neon orange cares about.  Vandy, conversely, is taking their geniusness bowling! Viva la revelucion’!

Ole Miss (+7) at LSU:  If this needs explaining, SNL cannot help you.  Ole Miss may well win this game outright.  For those playing with house money, throw some on the moneyline.  Nutt’s boys are headed to 8-4 and a top-25 ranking before its all said and done.

T.Tech (+7) v. Oklahoma:  This one is dicey, but a touchdown seems awful generous.  On the other hand, Tech hasn’t played anyone worth a damn outside of Lubbock, which makes Columbus (Ohio) look like gay Paris’ by the way.

Tags: ACC, ATS, Picks, SEC, The Hat

STEALING AND GRINNING: AN ALABAMA METAPHOR TOO GOOD TO PASS UP

November 12, 2008 in BCS, E-SPIN, Foolmer, Gators, LSU, Main Content, Pope Meyer, SEC, Saban, The Hat, UGA | No comments

Behold, “Nick Saban’s Drive-By Face-Punching Machine.”

  This,my friends, was poached from the site of a blogging colleague, without permission of course.  As a lawyer, this fact caused me to give pause, but only for a second.  Besides, we play things “fast and loose” in the blogosphere, and poaching from friendly sites is the right of anyone who opts to host a blog-err…I think.

Irrespective, this is a metaphor, and a relatively simple one at that.  It bears no further explanation, except for those of you who quit math after failing pre-algebra at the local community college.  Since SNL assumes this group is his primary demographic (though most of you are courteous enough to close your death threat e-amils with a nice “Sincerely” or “Regards,”  which SNL appreciates), he will add some insight.

met⋅a⋅phor –noun  

  1.  a figure of speech in which a term or phrase is applied to something to which it is not literally applicable in order to suggest a resemblance, as in “A mighty fortress is our God.” Compare mixed metaphor, simile (def. 1).
2. something used, or regarded as being used, to represent something else; emblem; symbol.

What should be readily apparent to you by now is that Nick Saban does not really own, nor did he create, a “face-punching machine.”  Thus, the foregoing is what we city slicker types call a metaphor.  This one in particular is a metaphor pertaining to Alabama’s top-ranked football team in 2008. 

 Like the image itself, Alabama resembles (at times) a jalopy, puttering down the road at a top-speed of 20 mph.  Further similar to ‘Bama’s gridiron group, the Jalopy is unable to brake or accelerate in a manner that would impress even the most impressionable minds, and is in apparent need of some serious upgrades, both mechanically and aesthetically to boot. 

Due to its obvious impotence and lack of awe-inspiring attributes, unwitting bystanders, Like Les Miles, Phil Fulmer, Mark Richt and others of their ilk, allow the Jalopy to get up real close like, only to find themselves knocked unconscious seconds later by virtue of powerful and unforeseen blow to the head.

Thus, Gators, while you are free to continue to worship at the altars of E-SPIN, Mandel, and the blogosphere in general (most of which has Florida atop ‘Bama in the unofficial SEC power rankings and playing the Big 12 champ for the BCS crown), you would be wise to take heed of this metaphor.

SNL is well aware that ’Bama has done nothing impressive since posting 31 first-half points on UGA nearly 6 weeks ago, beating the likes of UK (by 3), Ole Miss (by 4), UT (by a whopping 20), and LSU (by 6 in OT).

Unlike the Gators Ferrari, which has averaged 50 points per game en route to dominating, “shock and awe” victories over Arkie (by 31), LSU (by 30, and it wasn’t even that close), UGA (by 39), and Vandy (by 28), ‘Bama’s jalopy ain’t got no “rims,” “boom,” “dubs,” “chrome,” or “bling.”  It also ain’t got no losses. 

So, while there’s no need to anticipate Pope Meyer’s furrowed brow being added to the foregoing metaphor, its far from a ga-rone-tee. 

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: BCS, Darth Saban, Pope Meyer, SEC

WLOCP: LEAVE YOUR DIGNITY AT HOME (and a few investment opportunities)

November 1, 2008 in ACC, ATS, BCS, E-SPIN, Foolmer, Gators, LSU, Main Content, Pope Meyer, Tailgating, UGA, WLOCP | No comments

In his younger days, SNL was prone to excessive behavior that occasionally (though not as often as warranted) led to free rides in..errr…government vehicles-you know, the ones with lights on top.  On 2 such occasions, SNL was at the WLOCP celebrating a UF victory over the ‘Dawgs (I hate the ‘Dawgs). 

So the following clips are for those who, like SNL, have ventured into the parallel universe of Jax on UG/UGA weekend, and while there have forsaken all that is holy, flouted societal norms, and otherwise commited indecent acts which they will deny to the day they die.  Enjoy.

Some UGA humor…not bad really…

And for Gators who wish to relive the pain of Buck Belue….

Now….the picks…

Not much time-4-2 last week, which makes SNL slightly more respectable than the drunk guy at Harrah’s sifting through discarded tickets in the sportsbook (5 games aver .500).  So, play’em ,fade’em, or watch’em

Air Force (-7.5) at Army:  Air Force won a game by two touchdowns recently and didn’t throw one pass.  No need to throw today either.  Air Force wins big.

Our-Kansas v. Tulsa (-7):  Should be a fun game to watch, but no one will.  Hawgs have covered every game since losing to Florida, and beat Auburn on the road (I know, who doesn’t).  The Golden whatchamacallits from Tulsa have scored  1 million points per game against the kitchen dinette sets on their schedule.  Arkie runs Davis and scores with the Golden whatevers, take the TD and the moneyline for “gravy.”

Oregon (+3) at Cal:  Another game featuring a “Golden” something or other as a mascot.  Beavers, and their toned down uni’s (which still look like something created by Brazilian soccer fans), outscore Bears, take the field goal.

Boston College (-3) over Clemson:  Clemson has failed to cover in every game this year except one.  BC rebounds from last week’s loss at home by kicking the crap out of the disgraced Tigers of the Clemson variety.

Oklahoma (-21) v. Nebraska:  LSU apparently misses Bo Pelini.  Nebraska’s defense makes you wonder why.  Oklahoma…huge!!!

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: ATS, SEC, Vegas

SEC V. BIG 12 AND THE COCKTAIL PARTY’S IMPACT ON THE BCS

October 29, 2008 in ATS, BIG 10, Foolmer, Gators, Joe Pa', LSU, Main Content, SEC, Saban, UGA, Vols | No comments

I hate the gayyy-turd's more than Barrack Hussein Bin Laden!
I hate the gayyy-turds!

It  was only a matter of time before SNL was forced to add his sing-song voice to the choir of those consumed by the Big 12 v. SEC debate. 

Most know that the debate has been rigidly framed as “SEC defenses v. Big 12 offenses.”  This is conventional wisdom and few have bothered to look beyond this paradigm when comparing the 2 conferences.
 
Lacking the resources and time of the pundits, and unconstrained by convention, SNL takes a more global position on this issue.  
The lynch-pin of the conventional argument rests squarely on the shoulders of the quarterback, which is universally and correctly held to be the most important position in football at any level.  The overall performance of teams with upper-classmen at the QB position is oft-dissected and needn’t be replodded here.  Suffice it to say, however, that national championship caliber teams are led by seasoned QB’s more often than not.  It is important to note that the QB need not be the best player on the team or a superstar, but only experienced enough to avoid costly mistakes and make a “play or two” at crucial moments.  Leinart, Flynn, Leak, Bradford, White, Wuerrfel and so on…. 
Most punidts and statisticians take this paradigm a step further by factoring defense for obvious reasons.  To be sure, teams with a junior or senior QB and stifling defense seem to have the best recipe to win the BCS. 
Lacking pocket protectors, slide rulers, and oddles of leisure time to painstakingly review satistics from year’s past, SNL will rely on the old-fashioned “eyeball test” to divide the teams in each conference into 4 categories:  1) Elite; 2) Very Good; 3) average to good; 4) bad. 
Using this admittedly subjective system, even the most subjuective SEC homer will conclude that this year, the Big 12 trumps the SEC by the slightest of margins.  Here’s why:
The  SEC in 2008 has three “elite clubs”:   ‘Bama, Georgia, and Florida.  The Big 12 has 2 or 3 depending on your distillation process, but we can all agree on OU and UT.  However, in the very good category, the SEC has 1 at best (LSU), and even this is debatable and contingent largely LSU’s ability to win out, which is far from likely.  The Big 12, conversely, has at least 3 teams that are very good, TTech, Okie St., and Mizzou. 
For those of you who believe the SEC’s depth is the difference and look to the “average” category for support, there is a ray of hope in the form of the remaining schools in each conference.  South Carolina (5-3) and Ole Miss (the best 4-4 club in the country), are average to good, and likely better than the remainder of the Big 12 teams, of which only Kansas can be considered average to good.  So the SEC gains 1 back here.  The most ardent SEC supporter could attempt to add Vandy here, but this contention is summarily dismissed when considering that Vandy managed to lost to DUKE at home. 
In the aggregate, 6 of 12 Big 12 schools are elite or very good.  This is at least 2 (and arguably 3) more than the SEC can muster this year.  In the average to good category, the SEC can place 2 to the Big 12’s 1, which still leaves a significant gap between the 2 conferences.   
Naturally, a normal “SEC year” would find UT and Auburn hovering at or near the top-15 in both ranking and total defense, with South Carolina and at least 1 “write-in,” such as Ole Miss, UK, or Arkansas, in the top-25.  It is therefore not as much the strength of the second-tier Big 12 schools that carries the day  as it is the weakness of prennial power schools, UT and Auburn, that tilts this argument in favor of the Big 12 this year.  
Looking forward, its safe to say that the SEC and Big 12 will annually represent the best and deepest conferences in the Country by far.  SNL neither needs nor wants a bevy of statistics to support either conference’s superiority over time, because none it matters in 2008. 
It is foolish to believe that the winner of this Saturday’s WLOCP has more than a slugger’s chance to reach the BCS title game in the wake of PSU’s victory.  That said there are serious ramifications for the loser, who will be effectively barred from an at-large BCS bid and therefore relegated to…..dare I say…Orlando for a New Year’s Day game against you guessed it, the Buckeyes!! 
That the SEC and Big 12 will place 2 teams apiece in the BCS seems self-evident.  ‘Bama, even with a regular season loss and an SEC title game loss, is a shoe-in for one, same goes for the East winner (assuming no further regular season losses).  Saturday’s loser, therefore, will be “black-balled” by the BCS-you can bet on it. 
Forget UGA’s sophomoric stomp last year, if Florida needs any motivation they need look no further than last year’s miserable trip to Orlando.  SNL says this not just becaused of the result, but because the stadium, nearby facilities, and atmosphere of this game were horrible.  There’s not a restaurant or bar within miles of the stadium, which looks like a reconstituted Orange Bowl minus the flooding urinals. 
For the love of God Timmie, win this game!!!!
-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: BCS, BIG 10, Big 12, SEC, UGA

« Older entries