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SATURDAY’S PICKS: BACK IN THE GAME

November 14, 2008 in ACC, BCS, E-SPIN, Gators, Main Content, PAC 1 + 9, PAC 10, SEC | 1 comment

3-2 last week, pushing the overall ATS record to 10 games over .500.  Not good enough to guarantee the wife a pair of those f***ing diamond earring that keep “popping up” in her f***ing Madamoiselle and Vogue mags, but good enough to keep vig off my tuckas.
First last night’s highlight reel-don’t worry its onle a few secs in duration.  The remainder of the game was about like watching unattractive drunk chicks fistfight at Mango’s-which is a metaphor for abject offensive futility without the potential for hot girls topless. 

 
The trouble with this week is that its quiet.  No viable upsets on the horizon and no marquee games betwwen ranked opponents.  Come to think of it, this whole weekend is likely to be like watching drunk chicks fight.  Even so, SNL never met a CFB board that didn’t present opportunities to make a return on equity, even though he has and does often miss the “opportunities.”  Moving on…
Wake Forest v. NCSU (+3.5/42):  Riley Skinner, Wake’s Senior QB, is more or less competent, and at times, even skilled in the passing game.  NCSU, has become a balanced club and continues to improve, beating Duke on the road last week after narrowly losing to Maryland and Florida State during the preceding 2 weeks.  SNL likes the evenly matched clubs here to score more than 42 points, but not much more.  Warning:  This game, like every ACC game, would be better if viewed via time-lapse videography. 
Vandy at Kentucky (-4):  Kentucky reminds me of a neighborhood kid that SNL often beat upon, we’ll call him Chip.   Chip was irritating.  Chip was loud.  Chip was stupid.  Chip was also the eighth kid-which meant we needed Chip for 4 on 4 basketball and football games-so we couldn’t get rid of him.  Chip also was tenacious-so tenacious, in fact, that you often tired of beating him before he gave up, and he would get in a blow or 2 toward the end. 
Vandy is like a girl that lived next door to SNL during his elementary days, we’ll call her Mary.  Mary couldn’t throw.  Mary couldn’t run. 
Since Chip could have whipped Mary, Kentucky will whip Vandy.  Brilliant!! Give the points.
Texas (-13/67o) at Kansas:  Poor Texas. The Horns hooked their way past the Sooners but seem to be the odd man out in the silly-strong Big 12 South irrespective of the outcome of the T/’OU game next week.  This probably pisses Texas off-alot.  Mangina (this is a pun on the word angina perverts) will stroke- out after the ‘Horns hang 50+ on the Jayhawks.  Take UT and the Over-it will be delicious.
Cal v. Oregon St. (-3):  Still waiting for the dream matchup of the Beavers and ‘Cocks in a bowl game, but SNL digresses.  SNL hates USC.  Why is this relevant?  Because the Beavers kicked the crap out of the Trojans and Cal just got manhandled.  So the Beavers did SNL a solid wherease the so-called Golden Bears just threw a log on the “USC-is-the-best-team-at-the-end-of-the-year” fire. 
USC continues to greedily stockpile blue-chippers, but remains the 6th best team in CFB-on a good day.  The Beavers do me another solid and thump Cal as repayment for their weakness and to further lowes SC’s SOS.  Beavers score early and often!
-So Sayeth the Shepherd 

Tags: ACC, PAC 1+9, SEC, USC

STEALING AND GRINNING: AN ALABAMA METAPHOR TOO GOOD TO PASS UP

November 12, 2008 in BCS, E-SPIN, Foolmer, Gators, LSU, Main Content, Pope Meyer, SEC, Saban, The Hat, UGA | No comments

Behold, “Nick Saban’s Drive-By Face-Punching Machine.”

  This,my friends, was poached from the site of a blogging colleague, without permission of course.  As a lawyer, this fact caused me to give pause, but only for a second.  Besides, we play things “fast and loose” in the blogosphere, and poaching from friendly sites is the right of anyone who opts to host a blog-err…I think.

Irrespective, this is a metaphor, and a relatively simple one at that.  It bears no further explanation, except for those of you who quit math after failing pre-algebra at the local community college.  Since SNL assumes this group is his primary demographic (though most of you are courteous enough to close your death threat e-amils with a nice “Sincerely” or “Regards,”  which SNL appreciates), he will add some insight.

met⋅a⋅phor –noun  

  1.  a figure of speech in which a term or phrase is applied to something to which it is not literally applicable in order to suggest a resemblance, as in “A mighty fortress is our God.” Compare mixed metaphor, simile (def. 1).
2. something used, or regarded as being used, to represent something else; emblem; symbol.

What should be readily apparent to you by now is that Nick Saban does not really own, nor did he create, a “face-punching machine.”  Thus, the foregoing is what we city slicker types call a metaphor.  This one in particular is a metaphor pertaining to Alabama’s top-ranked football team in 2008. 

 Like the image itself, Alabama resembles (at times) a jalopy, puttering down the road at a top-speed of 20 mph.  Further similar to ‘Bama’s gridiron group, the Jalopy is unable to brake or accelerate in a manner that would impress even the most impressionable minds, and is in apparent need of some serious upgrades, both mechanically and aesthetically to boot. 

Due to its obvious impotence and lack of awe-inspiring attributes, unwitting bystanders, Like Les Miles, Phil Fulmer, Mark Richt and others of their ilk, allow the Jalopy to get up real close like, only to find themselves knocked unconscious seconds later by virtue of powerful and unforeseen blow to the head.

Thus, Gators, while you are free to continue to worship at the altars of E-SPIN, Mandel, and the blogosphere in general (most of which has Florida atop ‘Bama in the unofficial SEC power rankings and playing the Big 12 champ for the BCS crown), you would be wise to take heed of this metaphor.

SNL is well aware that ’Bama has done nothing impressive since posting 31 first-half points on UGA nearly 6 weeks ago, beating the likes of UK (by 3), Ole Miss (by 4), UT (by a whopping 20), and LSU (by 6 in OT).

Unlike the Gators Ferrari, which has averaged 50 points per game en route to dominating, “shock and awe” victories over Arkie (by 31), LSU (by 30, and it wasn’t even that close), UGA (by 39), and Vandy (by 28), ‘Bama’s jalopy ain’t got no “rims,” “boom,” “dubs,” “chrome,” or “bling.”  It also ain’t got no losses. 

So, while there’s no need to anticipate Pope Meyer’s furrowed brow being added to the foregoing metaphor, its far from a ga-rone-tee. 

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: BCS, Darth Saban, Pope Meyer, SEC

GATORS v. USC: REAL ‘BAMA PLEASURE, WITHOUT LIGHTING UP

November 11, 2008 in E-SPIN, Gators, Main Content, Pope Meyer, SEC, Saban, TV SCHEDULE | No comments

 
SNL would be remiss were he to fail to comment on the unisoned euphoria gripping the Gator faithful this week.  Like a corpulent man atop a bed of doughnuts, the Gator Nation is fat, happy and complacent.  If the local airwaves are a fair indicator, and they usually are, the bulk of the Gators nation is far more concerned with Florida’s BCS opponent than it is with the remaining foes, which include three ranked teams-one of whom, you might have noticed, is #1.   
This is, after all, the “way of things” since Spurrier’s era of hegemonic dominance was followed up with Urban’s immediately gratifying 2006 title, and it really pisses SNL off.  Why?  Because South Carolina has won 5 in a row, and FSU lies in wait.  Both ranked, both good, and both looking to make their season by beating Florida. 
And yet, the bulk of Gator fans, lin true nuovo riche fashion, are busy booking rooms in Miami-when not discussing the margin of victory of the pending SEC title game, of course.  The whole thing is enough to make you sick.  The only solace for those who, like SNL, know that significant heavy lifting remains, is that Pope Meyer will pull every string possible to create a Chinese wall between the fans (and the pundits driving this vehicle) and using sheer will if necessary, exhort his team to victory this Saturday.  Speaking of which…
South Carolina is good.  In fact, South Carolina is every bit the equal of Gator-nemesis, ‘Bama, on the defensive side of the ball.   Don’t believe it?  South Carolina is 3rd inthe Country in total defense; ‘Bama is 4th.  South Carolina is 10th in scoring defense; ‘Bama is 7th.  If you want to split hairs, ‘Bama holds teams to about 30 yards less per game rushing than the Cocks (which means the Cocks hold teams to about 30 yards less passing). 
The real significance, however, of Saturday’s contest for the Gators, particularly when Florida has the ball, is that USC (like ‘Bama) runs a 3-4 as its base defensive scheme.  This is somewhat unusual, and allows for a multitude of defensive looks and blitz packages.  Given that the personnel for USC and ‘Bama are roughly commensurate, at least statistically, Florida should be able to assess what it can do in the ATL and get a jump on their gameplan for the Tide. 
For fans not concerned about base sets, coverage techniques, and other technical minutiae, the foregoing can be interpreted as follows:  South Carolina’s defense is the best defense UF has faced this year, and its not even close (Sorry, LSU).  So don’t expect a Vandy-ish, or even a Geargia-ish offensive performance Saturday.  In fact, expect the opposite.  Field position, turnovers, and grinding, lengthy drives should be the norm this Saturday.  UF should prevail by a resaonably comfortable margin of 14-17 points, but it won’t come early, and it won’t come easy.
So, Gators, stop running around agog like the hottest girl in school accepted your lascivious-based offer to escort her to prom, and put on your big boy pants.  There’s time enough to worry about ‘Bama and the Big 12 later.
-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: Pope Meyer, SEC, Spurrier, USC

GREAT VIDEO AND SATURDAY’S PICKS

November 8, 2008 in ACC, ATS, BCS, Cheerleaders, Degenerate Gamblers, Gators, Main Content | No comments

The embedded video below is only marginally relevant, but is nonetheless another piece of evidence that supports the CFB side in the NFL v. CFB debate.  In sum, NFL fans largely consist of drunken blue-collar sorts who hail from the lowest socio-economic demographic.  As a general rule, the the higher up in the stands you go, the bigger the losers (this guy is in the top row apparently).

CFB, conversely, has only drunken students, who like it or not, will soon graduate to the law, medical, and business professions and let’s face it, drunkennesss is a forgiveable sin when you’re 20 years-old, at a football game, and otherwise on the cusp of cushy white-collar life.  CFB also has bands, alumni, and cheerleaders who actually have some athletic skill. (as opposed to the augmented tarts who appear better suited for fame of the porno variety).

MOVING ON….

Haven’t tallied the last two weeks results, but have made it to 8 games above .500 ATS.  Also, it s my son’s 1st Birth day today, so gotta be brief.

Louisville (+6) v. Pitt:  Pitt won last week in an emotional game.  True, they beat the Irish, who are guaranteed to lose against a team with a winning record.  Still, Pitt is due for an outright loss or close call against the Cards, who lost to the Cuse last week.  This pick is more about Pitt’s inability to string together good performances, that Louisville’s ability to play football, so tread lightly here.

Kentucky (+13) v. UGA:  UK not getting enough credit due to the UF blowout but hell, who isn’t UF blowing out these days?  Good UK defense stops Noshow’s running game and keeps it close.  Strong pick.

Kansas (+1) v. Nebraska:  Had to check the IS when I saw this line.  Kansas’ offense is superb, Nebraska’s defense is horrible.  Nebraska’s offense is okay, Kansas’ defense slightly less horrible.  Take the senior QB and say it slowly, “rock, chalk, Jayhawk.”  Strong pick.

Oregon St. (-7.5) at UCLA:  Love UCLA’s coaches, but hat their players.  OSU has best running game in the PAC 1+9, UCLA has worst defense.  My son, who is currently drooling and slamming a pot lid on the kitchen floor, could figure this one out.  Beavers over Bears.

Cincinatti (+7.5) at WVU:  WVU has improved.  So has Cinci.  Like Cinci’s rush defense to keep this one close and, Cinci’s QB can throw a little.  Take the TD.

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: ATS, Picks

WEDNESDAY: CONTINUING TO RIDE THE COPASCETIC EXPRESS

November 5, 2008 in Gators, Main Content, Pope Meyer, SEC, UGA | No comments

Its Wednesday and all remain well in Gainesville.  In fact, things are so blissful in Gatorville that the arrest, incarceration, and expulsion of Gator DB, Rickerson, made not the slightest dent in the copascetic wave the Gators are surfing about now.

Obviously, Weddnesday’s slate of MAC games is interesting to no one outside of the involved parties, except my boy Chap, who would gamble on badminton if that was all there was on TV. 

So, in what has become a game week ritual, SNL scoured the web for Vandy blogs/websites last night, vainly hoping that this would ameliorate (look it up fools!) the post-UGA malaise. 

As you might expect from a school that managed to lose at home to Duke, the Vandy football program has inspired 1 sports blog (as far as SNL is able to discern anyway).  You can check it out http://www.vanderbiltsportsline.com/. (Wordpress link page giving me trouble).

The blog is hosted by a Vandy law student, and more empathetic SNL could not be.  Keeping with the quid pro quo, the admittedly small contingent of Commie fans that a) believe a Vandy win is possible, and/or b) care even the slightest about Vandy football, are apparently putting together a thinly veiled argument for victory predicated on a UF let down.  To bolster this wistful propostion, the blog  cites Vandy’s numerous close calls against UF over the years.

The problem with this is that Vandy is dead last in nearly every offensive category that matters.  Under normal circumstances, you know, when the opposition following a huge emotional victory is plausibly capable of completing a pass or 2, this week’s game would fall into the “trap” category.  This is chiefly because SNL believes that all but the most dominant defenses require some emotion to play at a high level.   In an emotionless game, therefore, defenses that like UF’s, are very good (and potentially dominant), but not overwhelming, often play down to the competition. 

As you’ve doubtless deduced, this general maxim is essentially rendered inapplicable here by virtue of Vandy’s horrible, anemic, putrid, uninventive, ineffective, muddling, rudimentary, inept, and altogether awful (get the point) offense.  Throw in for good measure that UF’s offense will score at least 31 points, and the only viable deduction is that Vandy is going to get beat, and very badly. 

True, its a night game-but let’s face it, this game could be played at midnight on homecoming weekend and it wouldn’t make a difference.  UF will have no problem playing through the midly disturbing noise of 40,000 intellectuals with sweaters tied around their necks. 

For those who wish to liken this game to the Ole Miss game, or Vandy fans who believe that UF is beatable by virtue of the Ole Miss loss, fuhget about it…  The Ole Miss loss is the reason Vandy has no chance, not the other way around.  Remember Tim’s promise Gator fans?  If it were made by anyone other than the god-fearing, heroic, quixotic, dashing, and rugged (all at once!) face of the Gators, we would laugh it off.  But when Tebow talks, people listen. So listen up Commies!!!!!

Florida, 37-10.  Easy, peazy, Japanesy. 

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: Pope Meyer, SEC, Vandy

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