Joe Pa'

  SNL has never been to Memphis.  There’s a reason for this-SNL knows people who have and they have uniformly advised that the trip was harrowing, to say the least.  That said, SNL, thanks to Memphis’ Final 4 run in hoops, was able to secure an image of a Memphis cheerleader which saved all of you from a picture of a sweaty Derrick Rose atop this post. 

In any event-Its Thursday night, a time for degenerates everywhere to embrace one another in one of those uncomfortable “man hugs” in anticipation of another week of college football.  So let’s get going….  

For most of you, USF v. Pitt and to a lesser extent, OSU v. Utah, will be the resting place for  your investment of your wife’s “rainy day” fund which, SNL knows,you intend to repay after you win back last week’s losses on tonight’s games.  SNL will offer some insight into these games, but must first chide you for failing to identify the most lucrative investment vehicle on the board tonight-the Memphis Tigers.

Memphis (-3/57o) at UAB:  For starters, you should know that Memphis averages right at 500 yards per game on offense, and throws and runs with equal aplomb.  In their 3 losses, the Tigers outgained Ole Miss Marshall and Rice respectively, but were undone by turnovers and red zone miscues.  The “scouting report for dummies,” therefore, is that Memphis is a very capable offensive club with an average (by Conference USA standards) defense. 

UAB, conversely, is a team that has lived up to its billing, which is not a good thing.  Sure, UAB can spread the field and throw the ball with some consistency and should be able to score against this Memphis D-but also fields one of the worst defenses in college football.  SNL therefore likes Memphis to cover this small number and, while your busy spending your child’s college fund, may as well hit the over too-plenty of passing and scoring in this one.  

Oregon St. (+11.5/53o) at Utah:    Oregon St., like the bartender you keep overtipping but won’t ask out, remains an enigma.  Go ahead, make your sophomoric joke about the fact that this team is confusing and has the “Beaver” as its mascot so we can move on.  What you should know is that irrespective of which hat the enigmatic Beavers wear, they are pretty consistent on offense.  The Beavers outgained the Cardinals by 200 yards in a loss, and mustered a respectable 350 yards on PSU. 

The Utes can also play and field a very good run defense.  However, the Utes have struggled with teams that can pass and surrendered 300+ yards to Weber St.  While the Utes will score enough to get the W, SNL’s gut says that OSU more closely resembles the team that beat the priapically obsessed Trojans than the one the lost to Joe Pa’ and therefore likes OSU to play within this generous number. 

For those of you who are determined to put some “action” on the USF game so you can chew the inside of your lip while you look over your girl’s shoulder at Chili’s tonight, que lastima.  SNL canot find an angle on this game worth stealing additional money from his wife’s E-Bay account.  Pittsburgh is schizophroenic, but remains very much the same team that was ranked in the top-20 to start the season and was a vogue pick to challenge for the Big East Crown.  Pitt has, however, lost to a Bowling Green club that it dominated statistically, and beat by 1 an Iowa club that dominated Pitt statistically.  Pitt also went down 14-3 to the ‘Cuse last week before pulling away in the second half.  So, do what you will with this one.  Seems like a generous number and there should be some offensive fireworks in this one too.  Still, no play for SNL.

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

tertainment standpoint, tonight’s card is about as good as a mid-season Thursday tilt can get.  As the more astute among you have doubtless deduced, Derrick Rose of Memphis is pictured above.  Why?  Because there are no images of Memphis’ football team available on the web.