Layla Kiffin

“I have a high art, I hurt with cruelty those who would damage me.” – Urban Meyer, 2009 A.D.

Fueled by the Boy Wonder’s pre-season comments, which are all the rage on E-SPIN and the other mainstream outlets, the Gator Nation is giddy like a bunch of teenage girls at the eighth-grade social in anticipation of a beatdown of the once (again) hated Vols in The Swamp this Saturday.  Gainesville Sun Sports writer, Pat Dooley, has penned a column explaining why a complete beheading of the Vols won’t be as easy as expected, and SNL tends to agree. 

Irrespective, the Vegas overlords, in typical overreactive fashion, have established Florida as a 29.5point favorite.  This has had the predictable effect on UF fans, who now collectively believe that anything short of 35-point beatdown of the Kiffin-led Vols will be construed as an intolerable sign of weakness.  Factor in the infamous TO against UGA last year, and the field goal against Um latre in the 4th, and one can easily understand why the Gator Nation feels that a debasing of UT is as certain as tomorrow’s sunrise.

For Gator fans, SNL has some advice, which is predicated on years of watching the Vegas spread become the de facto litmus test for success:  This game will be much closer than you think.  So take a deep breath, spend a few moments in “downward dog” or whatever pacifies your inner-child because SNL is here to tell you that UT is not the directional schools you’ve grown accustomed to over the last 2 weeks.  To the contrary, the Vols bring a cast of talented players, highly paid assistants, and they’re desperate.  The Vols have also spent a week listening to how bad they are, while your beloved Gators have continued to have praised heaped upon them as if Tebow himself were their Quarterback. 

For their part, the vocal minority of UT loyalists, at least those permeating the local airwaves, have already have jumped off or on the Kiffin bandwagon (depending on their original stance), in large part based on last week’s close loss to UCLA.   To be fair to the UT faithful, there is precious little in the way of empirical evidence to go on, Kiffinis 5-15 as a head coach, withthe bulk of his losses coming at the helm of the Raiders, the most consistently dysfunctional NFL franchise over the last decade.  So overreacting to 1 game is understandable. 

Using 2 games as the parameter for judgment, which is all UT really has at this point, necessarily means that Saturday’s game, for the Vols at least, is going to be perceived as a harbinger in one direction or the other, at least for this season.  If UT shows some of the bellacosity that its Coach displayed when he was rocking the mic on the pre-season circuit, the Vols can be somewhat certain that the Kiffin is the man for the job.  If, however, his team gets run out of the building, the wheels will begin to come off, even if Layla agrees to wear a bikini to the remainder of UT’s games.

Kiffin has smartly used his coaching acumentto cling to the “we have no chance” mantra as if it were a lifeboat and UT just sank with the Titanic.  Despite Kiffin’s pleas to the contrary, it seems, however, that there is at least somepressure on UT to perform well on the heels of what most objective and partisan observers would say is an embarrassing home loss to a middle-of-the-road PAC 1+9 team.  True, the loss to UCLA is somewhat embarrassing on its face, but UCLA has a pair of behemoth DT’s one of whom, Brian Price, is a likely NFL lottery pick.  Rocky Top Talk has a good write-up on how some D-Line adjustments by UCLA impacted UT’sability to run with any consistency which contributed greatly to the loss for the nerdier among you. 

Irrespective of UT’s self-proclaimed liberation from expectations vis’a'vis the loss to UCLA and UF’s unchallenged superiority, the Vols play in the SEC and Kiffin will be granted only so many mulligans before the local press begins to ask “how much is it to buy him out again?”  The pressure to play well at the storied programs of the SEC is as ubiquitous as strip malls in Florida, pick-ups in Ally-Bammy, and missing teeth in Gawgia.  So UT’s self-professed freedom makes a compelling argument for scribes who lack an alternative storyline, but SNL ain’t buying it.  These are still kids and E-SPIN will advance its unholy matrimony with the SEC by unrelentingly playing the video of Kiffin’s rant to UT partisans to add intrigue to a game that would otherwise lack national interest to anyone wo isn’t a degenerate gambler.  Along those lines, Florida is an unheard of 29.5 point favorite, which is absolutely ridiculous.  (For comparative purposes, UF opened as a 32.5-point fav over lowly Troy, who was cleansed by Bowling Green the week before). 

Thus, the real question for UT loyalists (and Gator fans albeit for different reasons), is whether Kiffin and the sophomoric but admittedly entertaining arrows he slings at SEC heavyweights like Meyer and Saban constitute a mere sideshow, like the “Bearded Lady” or “World’s Tallest Man,” or whether this boy-toy can lead the Vols back up the mountain.  True, straight outta’ Crompton may throw 4 picks and UF will win easily.  Brantley may play the 4th quarter and throw a touchdown himself. But fear is and always will be the true opiate of combat, so expect UT to play a physical game.  Even so, 38-17, UF. 

Moving on….

G. Tech (+6) at Miami:  Mr. Miagi once said, “man who catch fly with chopsticks accomplish anything,” which has nothing to do with this post, but sounds prophetic in a cliche Asian-esque way.  So, where are these 2 teams?  UM is 1-0 and flying high after a road victory over a (laughably) top-20 ‘Nole outfit who, bye the bye, has since nearly lost to Jacksonville St.  G. Tech is coming off a Thursday night game against Clemson, which they won after surrendering a large lead.  Survey says, however, that Da’ U plays undisciplined defense, and no offense outside of Navy requires discipline like Tech’s.  Johnson is like a lo-fi Urban, and his guys will show up and execute, pushing the sale of pocket-protectors to an all-time high on the GTU campus.  Shannon is a lo-fi Bowden, who’s marquis trait is the ability to mold top-notch recruits into under-performing college players, pushing to an all-time high the illicit sale of hot Tech-9’s in Dade County.  Tech routed Da’ U last year, and will play within the number this year.  The public appears to be all in on Da’ U, so wait for this line to hit 6.5 and buy the hook.  GTU +7.   

-So Sayeth the Shepherd