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What they’re saying in Baton Rouge and Tebow-Gate: Will he or won’t he?

October 8, 2009 in Gators, LSU, Main Content, The Hat | No comments

tebow-meyerAfter much rumination, SNL has decided to post weekly on what the other camps blogs and sports columnists are reporting.  Assuming of course, the that “other camp” is not FIU or one of the other embarrassing D-II schools Foley insists on scheduling due to the “economics of the situation.”  In other words, if Vegas doesn’t have a spread, the game doesn’t really happen, no matter how many fervent, orange and blue clad folks you shove in The Swamp.  So, without further ado…

Tiger Bait is concerned with LSU’s pass rush, which hasn’t generated a sack since the Vandy game.  Truth be told, Vandy is more or less like SNL’s old JV team, which passed only after 2 (or 3 depending on field position) running plays failed to net a first down.  Naturally, there’s no way of knowing what goes on in the woeful Commie’s huddle, but the results can reasonably lead one to conclude that Vandy’s pass plays are drawn on the chest of the QB with his fingers, so sacks of Commie QB’s are essentially void ab initio.

And the Valley Shook, a well-reasoned LSU blog and one of SNL’s favorites, has devoted some space to deriding the now rote “LSU-crank-calling” tradition and thrown in a nice cuckolding of the chorus of expertswith no information whatsoever but who nonetheless maintain that Tebow should not play this Saturday.   SNL couldn’t agree more.  With respect to actual x’s and o’s, ATVS has remained relatively mum, but has taken an interesting position positing that the primary reason to sit Tebow is because this game “isn’t that important to either team.”  Presumably, this assertion is based on the fact that either team winning out following a loss in this game would be a de facto participant in the national title game.  SNL is not entirely certain that this logic holds sway if its Florida that loses, for two reasons:  1) Florida’s non-conference slate is abysmal, doubly so now that we can all attest to the fact that FSU is horrible by any objective measure and under siege to boot; and 2) Florida’s Western Division draw this year omits ‘Bama, Ole Miss, and Auburn, so Florida’s next opportunity to impress the pollsters will be in the SECCG.  Put another way, LSU plays 3 more ranked teams, one in the top-3, and Florida plays zero unless the OBC can catch fire.  Ergo, for Florida this game is a must win. 

Bandit’s LSU Sports Blogspt LSUga bf 0197.jpg has chosen to opine on LSU’s lack of pass rush and questions Florida’s ability to exploit it.  After some relatively banal introspection (in written form), Bandit  concludes that Florida can, in fact, exploit LSU’s lack of pressure and ends his piece prophetically but writing “[s]ometimes weakness can be exploited both at the depth of the weakness and during the attempt to fix the problem.”    Bandit, circa 2009 A.D.  So Bandit is no wizard of hyperbole, the blog is still worth a gander on game week. 

Baton Rouge’s on-line newspaper, The Advocate,  has a piece centered on LSU’s renewed “swagger” due to Scott’s 95 yard performance at UGA last week and his 33-yard scoring run with time running out.  Click if you’re bored, but this is just banal newspaper drivel.  Of course, using the term swagger is all of the rage thanks to Jay-Z and friends, but this clevueruse of contemporary nomenclature aside, there’s no need to check this piece out.  Maybe the ’swagger” will hit this site in time for the game, so check back.  The columnist at The Advocate, Randy Rosetta, has a pretty good piece about the talk around the water cooler, so he should be worth reading in days to come.  One point of interest in Rosetta’s piece, CBS’ “experts” have given their picks and 4 of 5 think the Tigers will knock off the Gators.  For Florida fans who deem this to be little more than biased puffery, SNL would remind you that LSU has faced tougher competition to date, especially on the road where they have defeated a pretty good UGA and U-dub. 

LSU’s Student Newspaper is also worth a gander,  though there’s nothing to get all geeked up about at present. 

There you have it flock-no bulletin board material whatsoever, just two great programs respectful of one another and looking forward to a spirited competition. 

SNL will try and stir things up with this next post, all this hand-holding makes me sick. 

As for St. Tebow:  Pope Urb has been predictably mum on the situation, at least to those who know that Pope Urb is the love-child of Bill Belichik and Johnny “Tight Lips” Fugazzi (a little know Eye-talian gangster that spoke little, but killed much).  This has prompted The Hat to prepare for both QB’s-allegedly-which is all part of the plan.  Seriously, it seems that no one knows Tebow’s status, including the team of world renowned physicians that UF has hired to monitor his recovery.  The more interesting anlge to this overdone story is the divergence of opinion between the national media, who believe that Urban will readily mortgage Tebow’s future health for a win at LSU by playing him no matter what the “experts” say, and the regional media, who believe that Tebow will play because he’s, well, Tim Tebow, slayer of draqgons, feared by men and loved by women.  SNL has tried to hit up some of the local talking heads for some scoop-you know, put their physical education degrees to work for the betterment of the flock-to no avail.  It seems that the taciturn Urban, already skiddish when it comes to players who were wiened under Spurrier’s “finesse” system, has buttoned up all informal channels of communication as well. 

SNL expects Brantley and a very tight game to be won by Florida’s defense.  More on this later…

-So Sayeth the Shephard

Tags: Gators, LSU, Pope Meyer, The Hat

College Football: The way it is is the way it was (for the most part).

September 15, 2009 in ACC, BCS, BIG 10, Dr. Saturday, E-SPIN, Foolmer, Gators, PAC 1 + 9, The Hat, The Poodle, Vols | No comments

  The season is a mere 2 weeks old and, as always, the drama of CFB has seen the fortunes of many diametrically altered in a span of 3 and a hal hours this past Saturday.  In general, what stands out the most to SNL is not the ostensible resurgence of the Wolverines or comeuppance of the Houston Cougars, it’s the plodding inefficiency of specific regimes who thought  they were something other than what they are, but are in reality, are who they already were.  There’s also a few, who are what they never have been.  Make sense?   Let Me explain:

1.  The Vestwas bludgeoned again by The Poodle.  There is a great write-up on the Buckeyes’ offensive ineptitude on Dr. Saturday’s site, and SNL would be re-plodding plowed ground were he to get into all of them.  But some of the more noticeable deficiencies include the complete absence of the zone-read, which is the staple of every spread offense from Ann Arbor to Gainesville (and about a thousand high schools in between), and the failure to make USC cover the field (all of it, that is) by checking to a bubble screen when the Trojans (purposefully neglected) to place a man over the slot receiver.  

In laymen’s terms, Ohio State was advertised as a newly constructed offense built on the skills, shoulders and tattoos of its phenom QB (save some canvas TP, you may want to add a few more when you’re languishing on the bench in the NFL).  What Ohio St. is, however, is the same unimaginative, poorly coached and schemed offense that hasn’t been able to beat a team of equal talent since 2002-for those of you parochial by nature, this means a team outside the Big 10.  What is certain, or as certain as anything after 2 weeks, is that  Rich Rodriguez-irrespective of this year’s outcome-is a better coach than The Vest, and Big Blue will run The Vest out of town in another year or two.  Even worse, there is nothing left on the Buckeye schedule sufficient to buoy this year’s Buckeyes into the national consciousness.  In sum, OSU remains the team that is better than the other teams in its conference, but incapable of beating the best teams in the SEC, Big 12, or PAC 1 + 9, at least for now.

2.  Kiffin’s credentials, aside from his bridal selection, are worthy of questioning.  In fact, if you closed your eyes during the UCLA/UT game on Saturday for any reason other than excessive alcohol consumption, this game looked exactly like last year’s crap-bowl between these teams which was coached not by UT’s blonded boy-toy, but by his corpulent predecessor, Fool-mer.  The offense was straight outta’ Crompton, with the 5th-year senior throwing for less than 100 yards and 3 picks.  It seems safe to say the Fulmer could have could have produced this result and saved the school a ton of money and off-season embarrassment.  Speaking of which, Kiffin should be mouth agape by midway through the second-quarter this Saturday and suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder by 6:00 EST or so.  Best part:  Fulmer is CBS’ SEC analyst.  In sum, Kiffin is just a mouthier version of the old boss, and he’s also the Jabrone that marched into CFB’s most hyper-competitive conference (and its not even close) and made an ass out of himself without any independent achievements to support his sophomoric hubris.  

3.  Rich-Rod.  Say what you will about this guy, he’s a liar, he breaks the NCAA’sludicrous practice constraints for the NFL feeder league that is NCAA football etc…  This guy can Coach.  True, Michigan and ND both looked undersized and slow on the defensive side of the ball, but how can you not like this Forcier cat?  He’s small and ornery, like NCAAF’s version of Tanner from The Bad News Bears, and, unlike USC’s frosty-tipped signal caller, looks like he’s not a complete douche. 

4.  The OBC can still draw up some plays and, still struggles on occasion in the red zone.  3 field goals on possessions inside UGA’s 20, along with the worst kickoff coverage this side of Zook undid the Cocks, but credit the OBC for putting on a show following the nationally televised cat-fight with NCSU.   

5.  It’s official, USC is now poised for 2 weeks of BCSCG hype, followed by an untimely loss-or 2 if Saturday’s vanilla performance is a harbinger-and a season-ending win streak which will prompt the E-SPIN heads to sing in unison “SC is playing as well as anyone in the country right now.”   While it would be nice for Florida deliver a solid a**-kicking of the prophylactics in the BCSCG, the key to this wish is the phrase “right now,” which impliedly points out that the Trojans will have sucked against someone else that also sucks a month or so before. 

6.  Florida’s trip to Baton Rouge looks a little rosier to the uninitiated.  LSU was outgained by over 200 yards in Washington last week and judging by the scoreboard, struggled to put away Vandy.  This sentiment, which seems common amongst Florida fans, belies the fact that LSU was never threatened by Vandy, and coasted to relatively convincing victory nonetheless.  And, playing Vandy is about as exciting as drunk-dialing an ex-girlfriend at 2 a.m. becuase the girl you were buying drinks for all night lef with your buddy.  Still, it would be nice to see  The Hat joining The Vest and the cherub-faced Kiffin on the first train outta’ town if the Tigers get cleansed by the Gators on October 11, but don’t count on it.  

7.  Florida State’s trip to Gainesville looks like a horror show.  Hell, the ‘Noles may get pummeled so bad by the polygamists next week that they may just forfeit the remainder of the season.  The only upside for SNL is watching Bownden hem and haw on his
Sunday program, dropping punchy 1-liners like “I don’t know who #19 is,” and “I can’t remember what play we had called there.”  Like all sentient beings, SNL likes Bowden, but his equity in the program has dwindeld to an all-time low and it may be time to move on.  Bowden for Senate!  For the uninformed, the ‘Noles squeaked by Jackson St. last week after trailing most of the 4th-quarter.  Would it be an overstatement after 2 games to say the Florida State sucks-again?  Probably not.  But always looking to err on the side of caution, SNL will refrain from making so strident a statement for fear of a bellicose response from the ‘Nole readers, who don’t know what that last sentence means.  But, after Tech kicks the crap out of Da’U this Thursday, all bets are off.

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: BCS, Degenerate Gambler, LSU, Meyer, The Hat, The OBC, the Vest, UT

STEALING AND GRINNING: AN ALABAMA METAPHOR TOO GOOD TO PASS UP

November 12, 2008 in BCS, E-SPIN, Foolmer, Gators, LSU, Main Content, Pope Meyer, SEC, Saban, The Hat, UGA | No comments

Behold, “Nick Saban’s Drive-By Face-Punching Machine.”

  This,my friends, was poached from the site of a blogging colleague, without permission of course.  As a lawyer, this fact caused me to give pause, but only for a second.  Besides, we play things “fast and loose” in the blogosphere, and poaching from friendly sites is the right of anyone who opts to host a blog-err…I think.

Irrespective, this is a metaphor, and a relatively simple one at that.  It bears no further explanation, except for those of you who quit math after failing pre-algebra at the local community college.  Since SNL assumes this group is his primary demographic (though most of you are courteous enough to close your death threat e-amils with a nice “Sincerely” or “Regards,”  which SNL appreciates), he will add some insight.

met⋅a⋅phor –noun  

  1.  a figure of speech in which a term or phrase is applied to something to which it is not literally applicable in order to suggest a resemblance, as in “A mighty fortress is our God.” Compare mixed metaphor, simile (def. 1).
2. something used, or regarded as being used, to represent something else; emblem; symbol.

What should be readily apparent to you by now is that Nick Saban does not really own, nor did he create, a “face-punching machine.”  Thus, the foregoing is what we city slicker types call a metaphor.  This one in particular is a metaphor pertaining to Alabama’s top-ranked football team in 2008. 

 Like the image itself, Alabama resembles (at times) a jalopy, puttering down the road at a top-speed of 20 mph.  Further similar to ‘Bama’s gridiron group, the Jalopy is unable to brake or accelerate in a manner that would impress even the most impressionable minds, and is in apparent need of some serious upgrades, both mechanically and aesthetically to boot. 

Due to its obvious impotence and lack of awe-inspiring attributes, unwitting bystanders, Like Les Miles, Phil Fulmer, Mark Richt and others of their ilk, allow the Jalopy to get up real close like, only to find themselves knocked unconscious seconds later by virtue of powerful and unforeseen blow to the head.

Thus, Gators, while you are free to continue to worship at the altars of E-SPIN, Mandel, and the blogosphere in general (most of which has Florida atop ‘Bama in the unofficial SEC power rankings and playing the Big 12 champ for the BCS crown), you would be wise to take heed of this metaphor.

SNL is well aware that ’Bama has done nothing impressive since posting 31 first-half points on UGA nearly 6 weeks ago, beating the likes of UK (by 3), Ole Miss (by 4), UT (by a whopping 20), and LSU (by 6 in OT).

Unlike the Gators Ferrari, which has averaged 50 points per game en route to dominating, “shock and awe” victories over Arkie (by 31), LSU (by 30, and it wasn’t even that close), UGA (by 39), and Vandy (by 28), ‘Bama’s jalopy ain’t got no “rims,” “boom,” “dubs,” “chrome,” or “bling.”  It also ain’t got no losses. 

So, while there’s no need to anticipate Pope Meyer’s furrowed brow being added to the foregoing metaphor, its far from a ga-rone-tee. 

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: BCS, Darth Saban, Pope Meyer, SEC

SEC: THE MOST PASSIONATE (AND FELONIOUS FANS) IN CFB

November 10, 2008 in SEC, SEC Fans, The Hat | No comments

First, you should know that this post has been cut and pasted from Dr. Saturday’s blog.  SNL finds this reasonable because: a) it is largely journalistic, and therefore does not encroach on Dr. Saturday’s creative and deft use of prose to illustrate a point; and b) because SNL is currently working and has little time, and used to live in Pcola, Florida.   As you migh imagine, people such as those involved in this deadly fracas, played an instrumental role in SNL’s defection to “Florida Proper,”  where incidents like this happen slightly less frequently.

Mon Nov 10, 2008 10:32 am EST

LSU fans shoots, kills two Alabama fans after Tiger loss

By Matt Hinton

The rest of the country consistently underestimates the gut level passion of fans in the SEC. It’s not that the SEC is better — you can’t prove that — but its partisans do care more. Way, way more, and you can prove that: They chant harder, they bite harder, they burn former coaches in effigy (right, prior to Saturday’s Alabama-LSU game) and sometimes, tragically, they start shooting:

An Escambia County (Alabama) couple died Saturday after an argument over the Alabama/LSU football game ended in shotgun blasts, according to Conecuh County authorities.
[...]
Investigators said witnesses told them that Dennis Smith, an LSU fan, called [Michael] Williams, a fan of the Crimson Tide, after the game Saturday evening and an argument ensued.

Officers said Donna Smith was a relative of Michael Williams’ girlfriend.

Soon, the Smiths arrived at Williams’ home and the men wound up in a physical altercation, officers said.

Smith retrieved a pistol from his vehicle, and threatened Williams, who armed himself with a shotgun and fired two blasts, striking and killing Dennis Smith, officers said.

Donna Smith then threatened Williams, who shot and killed the woman, they said.

Alcohol was probably involved, if you had to ask. There’s not much to add to this terrible, terrible story, matched for grisliness only by the shooting death over a $20 bet between South Carolina and Clemson fans in 2006 or the murder in an argument over high school football in Alabama last summer, except maybe a warning: If you must taunt, please, restrict it to the phone, Internet, office or other well-lit, public locale.

Tags: Dr., Dr. Saturday, Felons, SEC

FLORIDA: THE NEW USC?

November 4, 2008 in ACC, BCS, BIG 10, E-SPIN, Gators, LSU, Main Content, Notre Dame, PAC 1 + 9, Pope Meyer, SEC, Saban, TV SCHEDULE, The Hat, UGA, scUM | No comments

  How great is this?

The Gator-Nation is obviously bored, its primary league rivals have been vanquished in shocking fashion and (as predicted by SNL) the national media has begun hyping Florida as the “best 1-loss team in the Country.” 

Looking toward Saturday’s contest against Vandy (who lost to Duke) provides little excitement for a fan base crashing from the endorphin-laced crushing of UGA.  Sure, the Gators will rally somewhat when the Cocks and the OBC roll into town, and put their game faces on when they go on the road to face the ‘Noles, but today, the Gators are spent.

The local airwaves continue to be rife with BCS permutations that place Florida in the BCS title game, which under normal circumstances would have SNL worrying incessantly about Florida looking past this week’s opponent, but that’s not going to happen when, as stated above, this week’s opponenent managed only 7 points in its recent loss at home to Duke. 

SNL has therefore opted to avail itself of the wistful winds that are blowing through Gator Country this week and somehow wound up wondering what if?  What if Urban wins his second BCS title in 4 years?  What if Tebow returns next year?  What if Florida is preseason #1 next year?  What about the year after that?

This line of thinking inevitably segued into a debate with a colleague and Notre Dame homer, who maintains that Florida remains a “regional team,” with little appeal nationally and a fairly limited sphere of longitudinal relevance. 

After some back and forth, I undermined this argument to my satisfaction, but feel that further explanation is warranted to preemptively combat this situation before it beomes a full blown pandemic. 

First, the so-called “national teams,”  which traditionally include USC, Notre Dame, Michigan, Ohio State, and to a lesser extent, Alabama, Texas, Oklahoma, and Penn State, earned this distinction primarily in the 60’s and 70’s.  Naturally, this group benefitted greatly from large fan bases which, coupled with television and lack of paradoy, gave them greater exposure than many southern schools, including Florida.  In the 70’s it was not uncommon for a fan living in the south to see Notre Dame on television 4 times in a season, but see Florida, Georgia, or LSU only once or twice. 

That said CFB has since morphed into a multi-billion dollar business, and college football games are televised 5 days per week and available on every major and cable network all day Saturday.  An indisputable corrolary to this is that recruiting is also a multi-million dollar business that takes place on a national scale, at least for the major programs.  What this translates into is choices for those fans who enter the CFB world as ”undecided voters.” 

The conclusion, which is likely to invite the ire of traditionalists like Beano Cook, is that the resume necessary to be considered a “national team” is drastically different than it was 35 years ago.  Sure, winning and losing remain constants, but rivalries and conference strength, which translate into more and higher profile photo ops for the best of the best, are equally important.  National titles are also important, but not as important as consistently receiving an invite to a BCS bowl. 

Whatever the criterium, the notion that only those teams who were considered “national powers” in 1975 are somehow legacies that remain the only members of this “national” fraternity is fatuous at best.  Today, there exists a fluidity to college football that was not present 30 years ago.  The vast amount of television exposure is such that the new CFB paradigm contemplates ascension to and descension from the so-called “national teams” based on a 5-year span of dominance or incompetence. 

Tennessee, which won the BCS in 1998,  is a prime example of this.  So are USC and Oklahoma, who re-entered the national consciousness after falling from grace in the 90’s.  Da’ U, who is all but entirely irrelevant after dominating the 90’s, is another example. 

For its part, Florida sits on the cusp of an SEC title, which would be its 8th since 1991, a possible NC, which would be its second in 4 years and 3rd in 11 years, and oh yeah, is poised to enter the preseason next year as one of the top-2 teams.  By any standards, this resume makes Florida a “national team.”  And, should Florida win the SEC, BCS, and enter next year as pre-season #1, it should and will be argued that Florida has become what USC was a few short years ago, the most dominant program in college football.

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: BCS, BIG 10, PAC 1+9, Pope Urban, SEC

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