The season is a mere 2 weeks old and, as always, the drama of CFB has seen the fortunes of many diametrically altered in a span of 3 and a hal hours this past Saturday. In general, what stands out the most to SNL is not the ostensible resurgence of the Wolverines or comeuppance of the Houston Cougars, it’s the plodding inefficiency of specific regimes who thought they were something other than what they are, but are in reality, are who they already were. There’s also a few, who are what they never have been. Make sense? Let Me explain:
1. The Vestwas bludgeoned again by The Poodle. There is a great write-up on the Buckeyes’ offensive ineptitude on Dr. Saturday’s site, and SNL would be re-plodding plowed ground were he to get into all of them. But some of the more noticeable deficiencies include the complete absence of the zone-read, which is the staple of every spread offense from Ann Arbor to Gainesville (and about a thousand high schools in between), and the failure to make USC cover the field (all of it, that is) by checking to a bubble screen when the Trojans (purposefully neglected) to place a man over the slot receiver.
In laymen’s terms, Ohio State was advertised as a newly constructed offense built on the skills, shoulders and tattoos of its phenom QB (save some canvas TP, you may want to add a few more when you’re languishing on the bench in the NFL). What Ohio St. is, however, is the same unimaginative, poorly coached and schemed offense that hasn’t been able to beat a team of equal talent since 2002-for those of you parochial by nature, this means a team outside the Big 10. What is certain, or as certain as anything after 2 weeks, is that Rich Rodriguez-irrespective of this year’s outcome-is a better coach than The Vest, and Big Blue will run The Vest out of town in another year or two. Even worse, there is nothing left on the Buckeye schedule sufficient to buoy this year’s Buckeyes into the national consciousness. In sum, OSU remains the team that is better than the other teams in its conference, but incapable of beating the best teams in the SEC, Big 12, or PAC 1 + 9, at least for now.
2. Kiffin’s credentials, aside from his bridal selection, are worthy of questioning. In fact, if you closed your eyes during the UCLA/UT game on Saturday for any reason other than excessive alcohol consumption, this game looked exactly like last year’s crap-bowl between these teams which was coached not by UT’s blonded boy-toy, but by his corpulent predecessor, Fool-mer. The offense was straight outta’ Crompton, with the 5th-year senior throwing for less than 100 yards and 3 picks. It seems safe to say the Fulmer could have could have produced this result and saved the school a ton of money and off-season embarrassment. Speaking of which, Kiffin should be mouth agape by midway through the second-quarter this Saturday and suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder by 6:00 EST or so. Best part: Fulmer is CBS’ SEC analyst. In sum, Kiffin is just a mouthier version of the old boss, and he’s also the Jabrone that marched into CFB’s most hyper-competitive conference (and its not even close) and made an ass out of himself without any independent achievements to support his sophomoric hubris.
3. Rich-Rod. Say what you will about this guy, he’s a liar, he breaks the NCAA’sludicrous practice constraints for the NFL feeder league that is NCAA football etc… This guy can Coach. True, Michigan and ND both looked undersized and slow on the defensive side of the ball, but how can you not like this Forcier cat? He’s small and ornery, like NCAAF’s version of Tanner from The Bad News Bears, and, unlike USC’s frosty-tipped signal caller, looks like he’s not a complete douche.
4. The OBC can still draw up some plays and, still struggles on occasion in the red zone. 3 field goals on possessions inside UGA’s 20, along with the worst kickoff coverage this side of Zook undid the Cocks, but credit the OBC for putting on a show following the nationally televised cat-fight with NCSU.
5. It’s official, USC is now poised for 2 weeks of BCSCG hype, followed by an untimely loss-or 2 if Saturday’s vanilla performance is a harbinger-and a season-ending win streak which will prompt the E-SPIN heads to sing in unison “SC is playing as well as anyone in the country right now.” While it would be nice for Florida deliver a solid a**-kicking of the prophylactics in the BCSCG, the key to this wish is the phrase “right now,” which impliedly points out that the Trojans will have sucked against someone else that also sucks a month or so before.
6. Florida’s trip to Baton Rouge looks a little rosier to the uninitiated. LSU was outgained by over 200 yards in Washington last week and judging by the scoreboard, struggled to put away Vandy. This sentiment, which seems common amongst Florida fans, belies the fact that LSU was never threatened by Vandy, and coasted to relatively convincing victory nonetheless. And, playing Vandy is about as exciting as drunk-dialing an ex-girlfriend at 2 a.m. becuase the girl you were buying drinks for all night lef with your buddy. Still, it would be nice to see The Hat joining The Vest and the cherub-faced Kiffin on the first train outta’ town if the Tigers get cleansed by the Gators on October 11, but don’t count on it.
7. Florida State’s trip to Gainesville looks like a horror show. Hell, the ‘Noles may get pummeled so bad by the polygamists next week that they may just forfeit the remainder of the season. The only upside for SNL is watching Bownden hem and haw on his
Sunday program, dropping punchy 1-liners like “I don’t know who #19 is,” and “I can’t remember what play we had called there.” Like all sentient beings, SNL likes Bowden, but his equity in the program has dwindeld to an all-time low and it may be time to move on. Bowden for Senate! For the uninformed, the ‘Noles squeaked by Jackson St. last week after trailing most of the 4th-quarter. Would it be an overstatement after 2 games to say the Florida State sucks-again? Probably not. But always looking to err on the side of caution, SNL will refrain from making so strident a statement for fear of a bellicose response from the ‘Nole readers, who don’t know what that last sentence means. But, after Tech kicks the crap out of Da’U this Thursday, all bets are off.
-So Sayeth the Shepherd
It’s official: USc has dumped the always-the-bridesmaid-never-the bride Buckeyes, with a freshmen QB no less. In typical fashion, The Vest was conservative, scared to let his QB throw the ball down field, and Coaching not to lose down the stretch. His well-tanned counterpart, conversely, was pacing the sideline like Tiger Woods on Sunday at The Masters. Erstwhile, Pryor was who we thought he was, a replica of Vince Young, incapable of making decisions under duress-at least good ones-and defaulting to his alleged “4.3 speed” to counter 11 Troajan defenders. 
As SNL blogs, The Vest has unleashed the hounds, and finds the “good-against-everyone-who-is-not-good” Buckeyes positioned to vanquish the Men of Troy. Which, considering UCLA’s win over Kiffin’s Vols, is a good thing for all PAC 1+9 haters, present company included. The game has been a bit like Rocky III, where Stallone is clubbed like a baby seal by Clubber Lang (Mr. T) in the beginning, and preps for a rematch for about 2 horribly acted hours. During the rematch, Rocky is getting beat down by Clubber again but, thanks to Apollo Creed’s superb conditioning program (and a healthy dose of steroids), Stallone is capable of tasking Clubber’s best punches and after a few rounds, says “you ain’t so bad!”, smiling all the while. OSU gave up a quick pick and went down by y but, like the diminutive Stallone, has risen to the task, and leads by 5 midway through the 4th.