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STEALING AND GRINNING: AN ALABAMA METAPHOR TOO GOOD TO PASS UP

November 12, 2008 in BCS, E-SPIN, Foolmer, Gators, LSU, Main Content, Pope Meyer, SEC, Saban, The Hat, UGA | No comments

Behold, “Nick Saban’s Drive-By Face-Punching Machine.”

  This,my friends, was poached from the site of a blogging colleague, without permission of course.  As a lawyer, this fact caused me to give pause, but only for a second.  Besides, we play things “fast and loose” in the blogosphere, and poaching from friendly sites is the right of anyone who opts to host a blog-err…I think.

Irrespective, this is a metaphor, and a relatively simple one at that.  It bears no further explanation, except for those of you who quit math after failing pre-algebra at the local community college.  Since SNL assumes this group is his primary demographic (though most of you are courteous enough to close your death threat e-amils with a nice “Sincerely” or “Regards,”  which SNL appreciates), he will add some insight.

met⋅a⋅phor –noun  

  1.  a figure of speech in which a term or phrase is applied to something to which it is not literally applicable in order to suggest a resemblance, as in “A mighty fortress is our God.” Compare mixed metaphor, simile (def. 1).
2. something used, or regarded as being used, to represent something else; emblem; symbol.

What should be readily apparent to you by now is that Nick Saban does not really own, nor did he create, a “face-punching machine.”  Thus, the foregoing is what we city slicker types call a metaphor.  This one in particular is a metaphor pertaining to Alabama’s top-ranked football team in 2008. 

 Like the image itself, Alabama resembles (at times) a jalopy, puttering down the road at a top-speed of 20 mph.  Further similar to ‘Bama’s gridiron group, the Jalopy is unable to brake or accelerate in a manner that would impress even the most impressionable minds, and is in apparent need of some serious upgrades, both mechanically and aesthetically to boot. 

Due to its obvious impotence and lack of awe-inspiring attributes, unwitting bystanders, Like Les Miles, Phil Fulmer, Mark Richt and others of their ilk, allow the Jalopy to get up real close like, only to find themselves knocked unconscious seconds later by virtue of powerful and unforeseen blow to the head.

Thus, Gators, while you are free to continue to worship at the altars of E-SPIN, Mandel, and the blogosphere in general (most of which has Florida atop ‘Bama in the unofficial SEC power rankings and playing the Big 12 champ for the BCS crown), you would be wise to take heed of this metaphor.

SNL is well aware that ’Bama has done nothing impressive since posting 31 first-half points on UGA nearly 6 weeks ago, beating the likes of UK (by 3), Ole Miss (by 4), UT (by a whopping 20), and LSU (by 6 in OT).

Unlike the Gators Ferrari, which has averaged 50 points per game en route to dominating, “shock and awe” victories over Arkie (by 31), LSU (by 30, and it wasn’t even that close), UGA (by 39), and Vandy (by 28), ‘Bama’s jalopy ain’t got no “rims,” “boom,” “dubs,” “chrome,” or “bling.”  It also ain’t got no losses. 

So, while there’s no need to anticipate Pope Meyer’s furrowed brow being added to the foregoing metaphor, its far from a ga-rone-tee. 

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: BCS, Darth Saban, Pope Meyer, SEC

WEDNESDAY: CONTINUING TO RIDE THE COPASCETIC EXPRESS

November 5, 2008 in Gators, Main Content, Pope Meyer, SEC, UGA | No comments

Its Wednesday and all remain well in Gainesville.  In fact, things are so blissful in Gatorville that the arrest, incarceration, and expulsion of Gator DB, Rickerson, made not the slightest dent in the copascetic wave the Gators are surfing about now.

Obviously, Weddnesday’s slate of MAC games is interesting to no one outside of the involved parties, except my boy Chap, who would gamble on badminton if that was all there was on TV. 

So, in what has become a game week ritual, SNL scoured the web for Vandy blogs/websites last night, vainly hoping that this would ameliorate (look it up fools!) the post-UGA malaise. 

As you might expect from a school that managed to lose at home to Duke, the Vandy football program has inspired 1 sports blog (as far as SNL is able to discern anyway).  You can check it out http://www.vanderbiltsportsline.com/. (Wordpress link page giving me trouble).

The blog is hosted by a Vandy law student, and more empathetic SNL could not be.  Keeping with the quid pro quo, the admittedly small contingent of Commie fans that a) believe a Vandy win is possible, and/or b) care even the slightest about Vandy football, are apparently putting together a thinly veiled argument for victory predicated on a UF let down.  To bolster this wistful propostion, the blog  cites Vandy’s numerous close calls against UF over the years.

The problem with this is that Vandy is dead last in nearly every offensive category that matters.  Under normal circumstances, you know, when the opposition following a huge emotional victory is plausibly capable of completing a pass or 2, this week’s game would fall into the “trap” category.  This is chiefly because SNL believes that all but the most dominant defenses require some emotion to play at a high level.   In an emotionless game, therefore, defenses that like UF’s, are very good (and potentially dominant), but not overwhelming, often play down to the competition. 

As you’ve doubtless deduced, this general maxim is essentially rendered inapplicable here by virtue of Vandy’s horrible, anemic, putrid, uninventive, ineffective, muddling, rudimentary, inept, and altogether awful (get the point) offense.  Throw in for good measure that UF’s offense will score at least 31 points, and the only viable deduction is that Vandy is going to get beat, and very badly. 

True, its a night game-but let’s face it, this game could be played at midnight on homecoming weekend and it wouldn’t make a difference.  UF will have no problem playing through the midly disturbing noise of 40,000 intellectuals with sweaters tied around their necks. 

For those who wish to liken this game to the Ole Miss game, or Vandy fans who believe that UF is beatable by virtue of the Ole Miss loss, fuhget about it…  The Ole Miss loss is the reason Vandy has no chance, not the other way around.  Remember Tim’s promise Gator fans?  If it were made by anyone other than the god-fearing, heroic, quixotic, dashing, and rugged (all at once!) face of the Gators, we would laugh it off.  But when Tebow talks, people listen. So listen up Commies!!!!!

Florida, 37-10.  Easy, peazy, Japanesy. 

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: Pope Meyer, SEC, Vandy

FLORIDA: THE NEW USC?

November 4, 2008 in ACC, BCS, BIG 10, E-SPIN, Gators, LSU, Main Content, Notre Dame, PAC 1 + 9, Pope Meyer, SEC, Saban, TV SCHEDULE, The Hat, UGA, scUM | No comments

  How great is this?

The Gator-Nation is obviously bored, its primary league rivals have been vanquished in shocking fashion and (as predicted by SNL) the national media has begun hyping Florida as the “best 1-loss team in the Country.” 

Looking toward Saturday’s contest against Vandy (who lost to Duke) provides little excitement for a fan base crashing from the endorphin-laced crushing of UGA.  Sure, the Gators will rally somewhat when the Cocks and the OBC roll into town, and put their game faces on when they go on the road to face the ‘Noles, but today, the Gators are spent.

The local airwaves continue to be rife with BCS permutations that place Florida in the BCS title game, which under normal circumstances would have SNL worrying incessantly about Florida looking past this week’s opponent, but that’s not going to happen when, as stated above, this week’s opponenent managed only 7 points in its recent loss at home to Duke. 

SNL has therefore opted to avail itself of the wistful winds that are blowing through Gator Country this week and somehow wound up wondering what if?  What if Urban wins his second BCS title in 4 years?  What if Tebow returns next year?  What if Florida is preseason #1 next year?  What about the year after that?

This line of thinking inevitably segued into a debate with a colleague and Notre Dame homer, who maintains that Florida remains a “regional team,” with little appeal nationally and a fairly limited sphere of longitudinal relevance. 

After some back and forth, I undermined this argument to my satisfaction, but feel that further explanation is warranted to preemptively combat this situation before it beomes a full blown pandemic. 

First, the so-called “national teams,”  which traditionally include USC, Notre Dame, Michigan, Ohio State, and to a lesser extent, Alabama, Texas, Oklahoma, and Penn State, earned this distinction primarily in the 60’s and 70’s.  Naturally, this group benefitted greatly from large fan bases which, coupled with television and lack of paradoy, gave them greater exposure than many southern schools, including Florida.  In the 70’s it was not uncommon for a fan living in the south to see Notre Dame on television 4 times in a season, but see Florida, Georgia, or LSU only once or twice. 

That said CFB has since morphed into a multi-billion dollar business, and college football games are televised 5 days per week and available on every major and cable network all day Saturday.  An indisputable corrolary to this is that recruiting is also a multi-million dollar business that takes place on a national scale, at least for the major programs.  What this translates into is choices for those fans who enter the CFB world as ”undecided voters.” 

The conclusion, which is likely to invite the ire of traditionalists like Beano Cook, is that the resume necessary to be considered a “national team” is drastically different than it was 35 years ago.  Sure, winning and losing remain constants, but rivalries and conference strength, which translate into more and higher profile photo ops for the best of the best, are equally important.  National titles are also important, but not as important as consistently receiving an invite to a BCS bowl. 

Whatever the criterium, the notion that only those teams who were considered “national powers” in 1975 are somehow legacies that remain the only members of this “national” fraternity is fatuous at best.  Today, there exists a fluidity to college football that was not present 30 years ago.  The vast amount of television exposure is such that the new CFB paradigm contemplates ascension to and descension from the so-called “national teams” based on a 5-year span of dominance or incompetence. 

Tennessee, which won the BCS in 1998,  is a prime example of this.  So are USC and Oklahoma, who re-entered the national consciousness after falling from grace in the 90’s.  Da’ U, who is all but entirely irrelevant after dominating the 90’s, is another example. 

For its part, Florida sits on the cusp of an SEC title, which would be its 8th since 1991, a possible NC, which would be its second in 4 years and 3rd in 11 years, and oh yeah, is poised to enter the preseason next year as one of the top-2 teams.  By any standards, this resume makes Florida a “national team.”  And, should Florida win the SEC, BCS, and enter next year as pre-season #1, it should and will be argued that Florida has become what USC was a few short years ago, the most dominant program in college football.

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: BCS, BIG 10, PAC 1+9, Pope Urban, SEC

UF V. UGA: WINNING SPAWNS THE FREEDOM TO RAMBLE….

November 3, 2008 in ACC, ATS, BCS, LSU, Main Content, SEC, The Hat, UGA, Vols | No comments

Even SNL, certified curmudgeon, naysayer, pessimist, and believer that the “sky is falling” must concede that Florida is good, and getting better.  As always, SNL remains reticent to join the legions of Gator devout who are today openly predicting a BCS Championship on the heels of a ‘Bama route in the ATL.  That said SNL can’t be the only Blogger to refrain from commenting altogether, so here’s some thoughts:

 Tim Tebow threw 13 passes and completed 10.  The efficiency of this offense is nothing short of amazing, but even more amazing is the defense’s ability to put the Gator O in short field situations time and time again. 

Stafford, Knowshon, Green are all supremely talented, but the UGA team overall appears to lack leadership and, dare I say, “heart.”   Naturally, heart is a nebulous term and is not meant to deride the 18 to 20-year old kids on UGA’s team.  Perhaps its better to characterize UGA’s performance as another in a series that seems to indicate that UGA does not itself believe that it can beat Florida.  Thus, when an idiotic penalty brings back an interception (though the penalty seemed to contribute to Florida’s lineman being pushed into the throwing lane), or an on side kick fails, UGA seems to deflate, as if on cue.  

On the bright side, UGA’s lack of zeal highlights the unquestionable passion of our quixotic QB, whom even our enemies like.  Seriously, Tebow is like the love-child of Superman and Ned Flanders-unbelievable.

Speaking of message boards…SNL has long maintained that the similarities between the fans, alums, cities, and cultures that surround SEC football far outweigh the differences.  Seriously, an uninitiated (and color blind) fan would be hard pressed to know the difference between Gainesville, Athens, Birmingham, Knoxville, Charleston, Auburn or Baton Rouger on the weekend of a big game. 

Which is why SNL is increasingly lured to the oppostions message boards following a particularly crushing defeat.  Candid Gators will recall only weeks ago the calls for Mullen’s job, and scathing criticism of everything from the defensive line to our sacrosanct QB-all following a 1-point loss in a game which Florida dominated from a statistical standpoint.

In the weeks that followed, SNL has chronicled LSU’s eerily similar experience (times 2), and watched the Vol nation go into collective despair as Fulmer’s team continues to prove that it really is “that horrible.”  This week, its UGA’s turn. 

The Georgia faithful are calling for Bobo and to a lesser extent, Richt.  They are questioning play-calling, lack of pass rush, lack of heart, Knowshon’s untimely “self-substitution,” Stafford’s penchant for interceptions, and the possible overhaul of the program.  Lighten’ up, Francis.

Georgia optimists are attempting to spin UGA’s meltdown into a convergence of bad calls, lucky breaks, and a few have gone so far as to say that UGA would win against this year’s Gator team more often than not. SNL is willing to concede that there were several bad or missed calls, including Murph’s grabbing of the Georgia DB’s jersey during his 3rd quarter touchdown catch.  That said Haden’s pick was clean and Florida would beat this UGA squad 10 of 10 times.

For those UGA loyalists who believe UGA’s outgaining Florida provides some evidence of equality, think again.  Florida’s plan all along was to shut down Moreno, which they did.  If they gave up some play action passes along the way, so be it.  Florida’s coaches rightfully felt that shutting down the run would dramatically debilitate UGA and Stafford, who has proven time and time again that the game cannot be placed on his shoulders. 

Also, Florida’s offense, while conservative early, could have dramatically increased its numbers if necessary.  After an 80-yard drive in the first quarter, Gators’ touchdown “drives” covered 32, 1, 56, 10 and 25 yards, respectively. Add up Florida’s first six scoring possessions, and you get 204 yards for 42 points.  Factor in the almost 200 yards in interception returns, and Florida’s “offense” puts up nearly 600 yards against UGA, a number that is much more reflective of the actual game.

Quickly…Brantley looks good…Haden is becoming a “Sunday” player….Fulmer is gone, at the hands of Spurrier no less…USC was 40-point favorite over a conference foe for the 3rd time this year…for all of the deserved hype surrounding the Big 12 South, the Big 12 North is horrible.  In fact, the whole conference outside the 4 heavyweights is absolutely terrible…Auburn passed 43 times (and ran 25) against Ole Miss…

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: BCS, Pope Meyer, SEC, UGA

WLOCP: LEAVE YOUR DIGNITY AT HOME (and a few investment opportunities)

November 1, 2008 in ACC, ATS, BCS, E-SPIN, Foolmer, Gators, LSU, Main Content, Pope Meyer, Tailgating, UGA, WLOCP | No comments

In his younger days, SNL was prone to excessive behavior that occasionally (though not as often as warranted) led to free rides in..errr…government vehicles-you know, the ones with lights on top.  On 2 such occasions, SNL was at the WLOCP celebrating a UF victory over the ‘Dawgs (I hate the ‘Dawgs). 

So the following clips are for those who, like SNL, have ventured into the parallel universe of Jax on UG/UGA weekend, and while there have forsaken all that is holy, flouted societal norms, and otherwise commited indecent acts which they will deny to the day they die.  Enjoy.

Some UGA humor…not bad really…

And for Gators who wish to relive the pain of Buck Belue….

Now….the picks…

Not much time-4-2 last week, which makes SNL slightly more respectable than the drunk guy at Harrah’s sifting through discarded tickets in the sportsbook (5 games aver .500).  So, play’em ,fade’em, or watch’em

Air Force (-7.5) at Army:  Air Force won a game by two touchdowns recently and didn’t throw one pass.  No need to throw today either.  Air Force wins big.

Our-Kansas v. Tulsa (-7):  Should be a fun game to watch, but no one will.  Hawgs have covered every game since losing to Florida, and beat Auburn on the road (I know, who doesn’t).  The Golden whatchamacallits from Tulsa have scored  1 million points per game against the kitchen dinette sets on their schedule.  Arkie runs Davis and scores with the Golden whatevers, take the TD and the moneyline for “gravy.”

Oregon (+3) at Cal:  Another game featuring a “Golden” something or other as a mascot.  Beavers, and their toned down uni’s (which still look like something created by Brazilian soccer fans), outscore Bears, take the field goal.

Boston College (-3) over Clemson:  Clemson has failed to cover in every game this year except one.  BC rebounds from last week’s loss at home by kicking the crap out of the disgraced Tigers of the Clemson variety.

Oklahoma (-21) v. Nebraska:  LSU apparently misses Bo Pelini.  Nebraska’s defense makes you wonder why.  Oklahoma…huge!!!

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: ATS, SEC, Vegas

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