“I have a high art, I hurt with cruelty those who would damage me.” – Archilocus, 650 B.C
There exists an organic and heartfelt hatred for Layla Kiffin’s husband in the south, particularly in Gainesville and Knoxville. That said we at SNL could not help but feel some empathy for the Trojans-who now toil beneath a 2-year bowl ban and severe scholarship reductions-in the hours that followed the NCAA’s brazen proclamations of guilt. Why?
“Because of the poor kids, who weren’t around when Reggie Bush and his family were living lavishly courtesy of 2 wannabe agents?”
Nope. As Snooki says, “We don’t know those b#@%@#%!” The source of our fleeting empathy was the 1984 Gators. For those to young to recall, the oft-repeated mantra of the Pre-Spurrier and Meyer Gators was “Wait ‘til next year!” In these days of ‘yore, the Georgia Bulldogs routinely stomped the Gators, even when the Gators appeared to be the better team. The SNL crew was 6 years-old when hapless UGA QB Buck Belue hit Lindsay Scott with a short hook that went for a 90-yard score as the clock wound down, giving Georgia an improbable come from behind win.
All of this changed when Charlie Pell’s Gators finished 9-1-1 and won the SEC, beating UGA along the way no less, only to have their title stripped and a bowl ban instituted by the draconian NCAA. Sure, UF’s violations, like SC’s, evinced a flagrant disregard for those pesky “rules” everyone is always yammering about. But the real pain was felt by the Gator fans, who after years of “almosts” had their first taste of success stripped from them quicker than the blouse of a Roethlisberger dates. So the SNL crew well knows the pain of relinquishing the trappings of success.
Fortunately, the vestiges of our empathy began to wane when we thought about Kiffin, who has parlayed a successful dad and professional incompetence into a 4-milly per year gig (and a hot wife to boot). The hammer was dropped on SNL’s collective weakness, however, when USC AD, Mike Garrett, coined this gem:
“As I read the decision by the NCAA,” he told the group, “…I read between the lines and there was nothing but a lot of envy. They wish they all were Trojans.” … Later, he added: “Today I got a purpose for really wanting to dominate for another 10 years.”
Dominate Mike? Really? However dubiously pedigreed you may be, dominant seems to be a stretch by any objective measure coming a 9-4 year and staring probation in the face. Amplified by the fact that Garrett just ushered in the new era of USC football by hiring men of…say….”questionable ethics,” Garrett’s characterization of the NCAA reaches the absurd.
However pleasing it may seem to bask in the era of impotence that is likely reign in Pasadena, SNL urges you, yes you S-E-C guy, to reconsider. Those of you accustomed to SNL’s salty diatribe are no doubt surprised by this. However, SNL is evolving. No longer with the SNL crew remain blindly allegiant to our conference; nor will we march in lock-step with the faking-a-herniated-disk-to-get-workers’ compensation ‘Bama types that frequent the message boards.
The fact of the matter is that USC’s likely demise means that non-Trojans will have one less team to hate. And loyal readers know that SNL loves some good hatin’! Admit it SEC, we all envisioned St. Urb and his quixotic legions of Gators dismantling USC with our newbs in the 2012 BCSG following this year’s recruiting haul.
Perhaps most ironic of all is that this blow to the USC program will provide Layla’s husband with yet another institutional excuse to lose 5 games a year, which he will somehow parlay into CEO of Goldman Sachs or Standard Oil. Seriously, Kiffin’s resume of incompetence is so impressive that he may someday find himself in the White House.
So, laugh if you wish CFB fans, but you’ll be sorry when it goes out of style to hate the defanged Men of Troy.
-So Sayeth the Shepherd
Phew…we at SNL have been running amok about the state of Florida this week. Why you ask? To bring you the very best in breaking CFB news and information? Which you, loyal members of the flock can then parlay into a nifty nest egg to be frivolously spent on booze, rims, and Affliction gear that matches your barbwire tattoo? Not even close.