Ever the iconoclast, SNL departed from the majority of the CFB flock by watching FSU-Maryland last Saturday rather than Oklahoma v. T.Tech. Today, it is with unfettered glee that SNL announces to all that FSU’s dismantling of the Terps has provided the moral autority for SNL to openly renew his vow of hatred for the ‘Noles. Let SNL explain.
First, many of you Gators are doubtless thankful that FSU beat Maryland, and so is SNL. Obviously, this helps Florida’s SOS (FSU is ranked #20 in the BCS this week). This fact, standing alone, provides little basis for open-armed acceptance of FSU that has been extolled by many in recent years-presumably, under the doctrine of “charity.” For SNL, FSU remains the archetypal nemesis that it was during Spurrier’s reign-a sinister group of unruly and lawless vagabonds bent on the destruction of all that is holy.
This past Saturday SNL, in a cathartic, hate-filled reverie that occurred sometime in the 2nd quarter of FSU’s 1-sided win, let loose a profane-laced tirade deriding FSU’s program, team, history and pretty much anything that was even tangentially related to Garnet and Gold-even if only related by hue. In typical fashion, this sophomoric outburst caused the wife to look at SNL with utter disdain and say, “I hope you don’t teach your son to hate like that.”
As you might expect, the wife’s rebuke segued into some serious introspection for SNL. It began with the best of intentions as SNL, keenly aware that hate contravenes the values he hopes to instill in his son, sought to enlist the aid of a higher power in this cause. Alas, the prayers of SNL were unavailing and in fact, led to a more profound dislike of FSU and its various and sundry acolytes.
Initially disheartened by the inability to achieve an enlightened position on the matter, SNL’s spirits were rekindled by an epiphany which led to 1 truth: Its okay to hate, when the object of your hate is FSU. Before you holy-rollers go e-mailing nasty-grams, sip on this, let it roll across your tongue for awhile. Like fine cognac, the taste gets much better after the initial jolt.
SNL could spend all day enumerating viable, provable, reasons to hate FSU. From Dockett’s ankle twisting of Florida running backs to the beatings Wuerffel endured when FSU played “to the echo of the whistle” to FSU’s gutless decision to go for the tie rather than the win in the infamous “Choke at Doak.” There are also less tangible but equally viable reasons, such as FSU’s crappy stadium, that Cowgirl floozy that pocks the internet (go into porn already and leave us alone), the endless academic shenanigans, and the desperation-fueled hatred FSU harbors for its big brother, UF, which was all the rage when FSU was relevant, but now seems so ”90’s.”
That said to digress into a lengthy discussion of why you should hate the Noles is to miss the forest for the trees. Which takes us back to the beginning, FSU’s victory Saturday has made it politically correct to openly hate FSU again.
For starters, the FSU blogs are agog with Nole backers gushing over the talent of FSU’s defensive line, particularly, Everette Brown (3.5 sacks against the turtles). Several go so far as to tout the defense as approaching the Boulware led units of the late 90’s, and all seem to think that this unit is by far the strongest Florida will have faced. Unfortunately for the newly confident ’Noles, this was the MO on South Carolina, Kentucky, LSU, and Gerogia before they were razed by Florida.
Adding to the political correctness of hating FSU is the fact that FSU is ranked No. 20. This is a far cry from the sisters of the poor that FSU has fielded during the Gators current 4 game win streak. Cursed by compassion, SNL (along with many decent Gator-bred folk) has refrained from openly hating FSU for about 3 years now for fear that openly mocking such a defenseless and inept program would result in ostracism by those who believe that it is part of the human condition to help the downtrodden.
Today, imbued with confidence after a road win over a crappy Maryland team, FSU blogs are calling for payback and likening this year’s game to the 1997 game, when huge underdog Florida kept FSU from title shot using Johnson and Brindise. Whether based in reality or not, the perception is that FSU has ascended into the ranks of the powerful has fostered a climate of tolerance for those who, like SNL, hate FSU like the French hate Hitler.
For all these reasons, SNL looks forward to explaining to this son that, while hating your fellow man for stealing from you, or your boss for firing for you, or that fat loser with a dashboard-fan and cigarette who just cut you off in a 1985 Mercury Zephyr, is unacceptable, hating FSU is not just “ok,” but practically en vogue.
Substantive game analysis to follow.
-So Sayeth the Shepherd
