Second-Guessing the performance of the 19-20 year-old kids who entertain us on any given Saturday, and the millionaires who coach them.
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The pic is a gratuitous plug for hits, Layla can put fannies in the seats flock, and that’s a fact.
After further review (wife is busy prepping for a baby shower), SNL is adding the following:
Iowa v. ‘Zona (o40.5)
Washington (+20)
So. Miss (-13.5)
-So Sayeth the Shepherd
Tags: BIG 10, Degenerate Gambler, Layla Kiffin, PAC 1+9, Sarkisian
Boise St., in its last purported “test” of the season, wone a shootout over San Quentin…err….Fresno St. last night. This was the second and ,presumably, last opportunity for Boise to impress, and they failed. As it stands, Boise will finish undefeated with a resume that will include a 19-8 win over an Oregon team that appears much worse than advertised (and should have lost to Purdue last week).
Make no mistake, Boise is good, capable of beating a handful of BCS heavyweights in a bowl game, provided the that the heavyweight in question is disinterested due to narrowly losing its conference Championship and thereby missing an opportunity to play in the BCSCG a la Alabama last year.
That said Boise is not a team that would be capable of winning the SEC, Big 12, Pac-10, and would struggle to win the ACC, particularly with a resurgent Miami to go with V. Tech. Last night it was plain to see that there was an overall lack of power and speed, particularly on the defensive side of the ball, which in SNL’s opinion, makes Boise a de facto non-contender for the BCSG under any circumstance-with the possible exception of a host of 2-loss teams from the power conferences.
Moving on…
Today, flock, is the day of the “dog,” and you heard it from SNL first.
FSU @ BYU (-7.5): This game calls for some imagery, so here goes: FSU’s players arrive on campus hoping to one day “make it rain” with crazy NFL loot a la such luminaries as Pac-Man Jones, Travis Henry, and Nelly. BYU’s choir boys, conversely, arrive on Campus ready to serve a power higher than the NFL (we hope), and hope to one day earn enough money to support their large families because, you know, the whole birth control thing. As far as football goes, FSU needs this win in the most horrible of ways, having been surpassed by Miami and nearly losing to Jacksonville St. For BYU, beating FSU is like scoring a date with Goldie Hawn, you get the name recognition, but she’s just not that hot anymore. In the end, however, a date with Goldie will still bolster your rep with the fellas. BYU exploits the Noles young defense and covers easy.
Tennessee (+30) @ Florida. SNL is a Gator fan, bleeds Orange and Blue and etc… You should also know that the Gainesville Sun published an innocuous piec on Layla Kiffin, laying out Layla’s history as a UF grad, daughter of ex-UF QB, John Reeves, and most importantly, a former member of Zeta Tau Alpha Sorority, or the Zeta’s. SNL spent some time in UF’s Greek System, the majority of which he doesn’t recall. Suffice it to say that it’s more or less a bunch of rich kids fornicating and spending their parents money on booze, pills, road trips, with a (sanctimonious)semesterly charity function thrown in to throw the “rents” off the scent. SNL has scooped a number of Zetas off the floor of local pubs over the years but by and large, they are a classy and hot bunch, so good for the Kiffins!
Oh yeah, back to the game. UT has a good defense-probably the third best unit in the league, and a legendary coordinator to harness the talent. SNL also explained in a previous post why the Vols and their suddenly beleaguered Coaches are backed into a corner. In sum, the Vols D will slow down the Gators-a little-and cover this number. For perspective, you should know that Joe “Grand” Pa’s Nittany Lions are a 30-point favorite over Temple. Florida wins easy, but still doesn’t cover this number, 38-13 Gators.
Toledo (+21) v. Ohio St.: Regular readers know that SNL loves hangovers, when someone else has them; loves them even more when its the Buckeyes who are hungover. Toledo, fresh off a beatdown of Colorado, rides their offense to a nice cover here. You folks already playing with house money may want to moneyline this, after all, The Vest is still calling the plays.
Miss St. (+9.5) at Vandy: Mullen has installed Florida’s offense with some success, at least in a relative sense. And Vandy, is still Vandy, smart and undistracted by the hot co-eds at the other SEC institutions. Bye the bye, Vandy also still believes the forward pass is what you do at a cocktail party. Another salient point, Mullen’s boys know its Vandy too, and realisticall, the only league game they have a shot at. MSU +9.
There’s your trifecta flock. Enjoy.
-So Sayeth the Shepherd
Tags: ATS, BCS, Degenerate Gambler, Gators, Layla Kiffin, Noles, PAC 1+9, the Vest, Vols
SNL has not yet had the opportunity to peruse the UM blogs, but judging by the increase in shootings in Dade County last night, fans of Da’U are placing their pride on display by doubling their meth intake. Seriously, regular visitors know SNL loves to lampoon Da’ U, but also counts himself as an objective observer and prognosticator extraordinaire when it comes to CFB. In effort to live up this admittedly self-proclaimed status and preserve what little respect fans of Da’ U appear to have for SNL, I must concede that Jacory Harris’ has emerged as the best quarterback in the ACC, and it’s not even close after Ponder’s performance against Jacksonville St.
Through 2 games, Harris is hitting 70 percent of his passes for 11 yards per attempt and 16 per completion, with what appears to be 4 or 5 completely interchangeable (and speedy ) wideouts, none of whom is a household name. Yet. To further bolster the internal pain of this admission, SNL will point-out that he viewed G.Tech as a worthy investment-op at +6. Apparently, there were many more non-believers, because this line dropped to 4 by game time, prompting SNL to greatly reduce his investment. Before Cane fans start offering hugs and congratulatory pats to SNL, please know that I continue have considerable disdain for the program, its fans, the City in general, which I was reminded of each time a sideline camera provided a glimpse of the gangsta’ fades sported by the Canes’ players a la Michael Irvin circa 1989. That said if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…
Moving On….YTD dropped to 4-3 ATS (5-3 unofficially), which will make Vincenzo happy. For those visitors who have not made the lonely walk to the back of an Italian restaurant to pay an ex-wiseguy (I think it’s “ex”) for investment losses, let SNL assure you it is quite uncomfortable. However, what’s more uncomfortable is walking to the back of Sal’s Fine Italian Dining” (replete with red and white checkered tablecloths) to collect investment winnings from a wise guy. Here, the wise guy is Vinnie, who laughs without enthusiasm as he looks at his large, calloused hands and says without a smile, “[y]ou win any more kid, Vinnie’s gonna have to put these meat hooks around that tiny neck of yours.” The shrill laugh that follows is just as discomforting, but cracks up the 4 or 5 other guys in Vinnie’s inner-circle, each of whom looks like he has (and would again) “erased” a soul or 2. So, there is some silver lining to last night’s loss despite the blow to the ego.
Also, Mandel of SI fame has taken the torch for the PAC-10 in the now rote “who’s the best conference debate.” Mandel goes on to take a thinly veiled shot at the SEC and specifically, Florida, pointing out that the best way to have a good non-conference record is to schedule “Charleston Southern and Troy.” I have no problem with this because, well, it’s true. Charleston Southern is an embarrassing game for a program that considers itself among the nation’s elite, and SNL care not what “the other guys are doing.”
Even so, SNL likes and respects Gainesville Sun Sports Columnist, Pat Dooley, who in t turn speaks highly of Mandel. But SNL just cannot get behind Mandel on this or any other topic. This opinion was formed after a recent local sports radio appearance by Mandel, during which he seemed pained to be there and offered little other than some milk toast opinions about bowl tie-ins. SNL, like most of the audience, was longing for Stewie Griffin about 30 seconds into the interview. Couple that with the fact that Mandel, by virtue of his exalted status with si.com, has what amounts to a captive audience and uses this pulpit to promote his ridiculous “Mailbag Crush”, a sophomoric piece devoted to the adulation of a new up-and-coming starling each year, and SNL is pretty comfortable calling this guy a Jabrone. Sure, this opinion is tinged with jealousy because being a lead writer for si.com trumps life as a trial attorney, but objective evidence indicates I’m right on the money.
Finally…
Saturday’s Card is a tough one, with only 2 or 3 games that have any real appeal from an investment standpoint. SNL will get the card out tonight, but here’s what we’re looking at folks:
FSU @ The Mormons (-7)
Miss. St. (+9) @ Vandy
So. Miss (-15) v. UVulA
WVU (+7.5) @ Auburn
UGA (+2.5) at Arkansas
we’ll get these pared down to something respectable this evening. As always, comments, criticisms, and insights are welcome.
-So Sayeth the Shepherd
Tags: ACC, BCS, Degenerate Gambler, Gators, UGA
“I have a high art, I hurt with cruelty those who would damage me.” – Urban Meyer, 2009 A.D.
Fueled by the Boy Wonder’s pre-season comments, which are all the rage on E-SPIN and the other mainstream outlets, the Gator Nation is giddy like a bunch of teenage girls at the eighth-grade social in anticipation of a beatdown of the once (again) hated Vols in The Swamp this Saturday. Gainesville Sun Sports writer, Pat Dooley, has penned a column explaining why a complete beheading of the Vols won’t be as easy as expected, and SNL tends to agree.
Irrespective, the Vegas overlords, in typical overreactive fashion, have established Florida as a 29.5point favorite. This has had the predictable effect on UF fans, who now collectively believe that anything short of 35-point beatdown of the Kiffin-led Vols will be construed as an intolerable sign of weakness. Factor in the infamous TO against UGA last year, and the field goal against Um latre in the 4th, and one can easily understand why the Gator Nation feels that a debasing of UT is as certain as tomorrow’s sunrise.
For Gator fans, SNL has some advice, which is predicated on years of watching the Vegas spread become the de facto litmus test for success: This game will be much closer than you think. So take a deep breath, spend a few moments in “downward dog” or whatever pacifies your inner-child because SNL is here to tell you that UT is not the directional schools you’ve grown accustomed to over the last 2 weeks. To the contrary, the Vols bring a cast of talented players, highly paid assistants, and they’re desperate. The Vols have also spent a week listening to how bad they are, while your beloved Gators have continued to have praised heaped upon them as if Tebow himself were their Quarterback.
For their part, the vocal minority of UT loyalists, at least those permeating the local airwaves, have already have jumped off or on the Kiffin bandwagon (depending on their original stance), in large part based on last week’s close loss to UCLA. To be fair to the UT faithful, there is precious little in the way of empirical evidence to go on, Kiffinis 5-15 as a head coach, withthe bulk of his losses coming at the helm of the Raiders, the most consistently dysfunctional NFL franchise over the last decade. So overreacting to 1 game is understandable.
Using 2 games as the parameter for judgment, which is all UT really has at this point, necessarily means that Saturday’s game, for the Vols at least, is going to be perceived as a harbinger in one direction or the other, at least for this season. If UT shows some of the bellacosity that its Coach displayed when he was rocking the mic on the pre-season circuit, the Vols can be somewhat certain that the Kiffin is the man for the job. If, however, his team gets run out of the building, the wheels will begin to come off, even if Layla agrees to wear a bikini to the remainder of UT’s games.
Kiffin has smartly used his coaching acumentto cling to the “we have no chance” mantra as if it were a lifeboat and UT just sank with the Titanic. Despite Kiffin’s pleas to the contrary, it seems, however, that there is at least somepressure on UT to perform well on the heels of what most objective and partisan observers would say is an embarrassing home loss to a middle-of-the-road PAC 1+9 team. True, the loss to UCLA is somewhat embarrassing on its face, but UCLA has a pair of behemoth DT’s one of whom, Brian Price, is a likely NFL lottery pick. Rocky Top Talk has a good write-up on how some D-Line adjustments by UCLA impacted UT’sability to run with any consistency which contributed greatly to the loss for the nerdier among you.
Irrespective of UT’s self-proclaimed liberation from expectations vis’a'vis the loss to UCLA and UF’s unchallenged superiority, the Vols play in the SEC and Kiffin will be granted only so many mulligans before the local press begins to ask “how much is it to buy him out again?” The pressure to play well at the storied programs of the SEC is as ubiquitous as strip malls in Florida, pick-ups in Ally-Bammy, and missing teeth in Gawgia. So UT’s self-professed freedom makes a compelling argument for scribes who lack an alternative storyline, but SNL ain’t buying it. These are still kids and E-SPIN will advance its unholy matrimony with the SEC by unrelentingly playing the video of Kiffin’s rant to UT partisans to add intrigue to a game that would otherwise lack national interest to anyone wo isn’t a degenerate gambler. Along those lines, Florida is an unheard of 29.5 point favorite, which is absolutely ridiculous. (For comparative purposes, UF opened as a 32.5-point fav over lowly Troy, who was cleansed by Bowling Green the week before).
Thus, the real question for UT loyalists (and Gator fans albeit for different reasons), is whether Kiffin and the sophomoric but admittedly entertaining arrows he slings at SEC heavyweights like Meyer and Saban constitute a mere sideshow, like the “Bearded Lady” or “World’s Tallest Man,” or whether this boy-toy can lead the Vols back up the mountain. True, straight outta’ Crompton may throw 4 picks and UF will win easily. Brantley may play the 4th quarter and throw a touchdown himself. But fear is and always will be the true opiate of combat, so expect UT to play a physical game. Even so, 38-17, UF.
Moving on….
G. Tech (+6) at Miami: Mr. Miagi once said, “man who catch fly with chopsticks accomplish anything,” which has nothing to do with this post, but sounds prophetic in a cliche Asian-esque way. So, where are these 2 teams? UM is 1-0 and flying high after a road victory over a (laughably) top-20 ‘Nole outfit who, bye the bye, has since nearly lost to Jacksonville St. G. Tech is coming off a Thursday night game against Clemson, which they won after surrendering a large lead. Survey says, however, that Da’ U plays undisciplined defense, and no offense outside of Navy requires discipline like Tech’s. Johnson is like a lo-fi Urban, and his guys will show up and execute, pushing the sale of pocket-protectors to an all-time high on the GTU campus. Shannon is a lo-fi Bowden, who’s marquis trait is the ability to mold top-notch recruits into under-performing college players, pushing to an all-time high the illicit sale of hot Tech-9’s in Dade County. Tech routed Da’ U last year, and will play within the number this year. The public appears to be all in on Da’ U, so wait for this line to hit 6.5 and buy the hook. GTU +7.
-So Sayeth the Shepherd
Tags: ACC, ATS, Degenerate Gambler, Layla Kiffin, Meyer, Vols
The season is a mere 2 weeks old and, as always, the drama of CFB has seen the fortunes of many diametrically altered in a span of 3 and a hal hours this past Saturday. In general, what stands out the most to SNL is not the ostensible resurgence of the Wolverines or comeuppance of the Houston Cougars, it’s the plodding inefficiency of specific regimes who thought they were something other than what they are, but are in reality, are who they already were. There’s also a few, who are what they never have been. Make sense? Let Me explain:
1. The Vestwas bludgeoned again by The Poodle. There is a great write-up on the Buckeyes’ offensive ineptitude on Dr. Saturday’s site, and SNL would be re-plodding plowed ground were he to get into all of them. But some of the more noticeable deficiencies include the complete absence of the zone-read, which is the staple of every spread offense from Ann Arbor to Gainesville (and about a thousand high schools in between), and the failure to make USC cover the field (all of it, that is) by checking to a bubble screen when the Trojans (purposefully neglected) to place a man over the slot receiver.
In laymen’s terms, Ohio State was advertised as a newly constructed offense built on the skills, shoulders and tattoos of its phenom QB (save some canvas TP, you may want to add a few more when you’re languishing on the bench in the NFL). What Ohio St. is, however, is the same unimaginative, poorly coached and schemed offense that hasn’t been able to beat a team of equal talent since 2002-for those of you parochial by nature, this means a team outside the Big 10. What is certain, or as certain as anything after 2 weeks, is that Rich Rodriguez-irrespective of this year’s outcome-is a better coach than The Vest, and Big Blue will run The Vest out of town in another year or two. Even worse, there is nothing left on the Buckeye schedule sufficient to buoy this year’s Buckeyes into the national consciousness. In sum, OSU remains the team that is better than the other teams in its conference, but incapable of beating the best teams in the SEC, Big 12, or PAC 1 + 9, at least for now.
2. Kiffin’s credentials, aside from his bridal selection, are worthy of questioning. In fact, if you closed your eyes during the UCLA/UT game on Saturday for any reason other than excessive alcohol consumption, this game looked exactly like last year’s crap-bowl between these teams which was coached not by UT’s blonded boy-toy, but by his corpulent predecessor, Fool-mer. The offense was straight outta’ Crompton, with the 5th-year senior throwing for less than 100 yards and 3 picks. It seems safe to say the Fulmer could have could have produced this result and saved the school a ton of money and off-season embarrassment. Speaking of which, Kiffin should be mouth agape by midway through the second-quarter this Saturday and suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder by 6:00 EST or so. Best part: Fulmer is CBS’ SEC analyst. In sum, Kiffin is just a mouthier version of the old boss, and he’s also the Jabrone that marched into CFB’s most hyper-competitive conference (and its not even close) and made an ass out of himself without any independent achievements to support his sophomoric hubris.
3. Rich-Rod. Say what you will about this guy, he’s a liar, he breaks the NCAA’sludicrous practice constraints for the NFL feeder league that is NCAA football etc… This guy can Coach. True, Michigan and ND both looked undersized and slow on the defensive side of the ball, but how can you not like this Forcier cat? He’s small and ornery, like NCAAF’s version of Tanner from The Bad News Bears, and, unlike USC’s frosty-tipped signal caller, looks like he’s not a complete douche.
4. The OBC can still draw up some plays and, still struggles on occasion in the red zone. 3 field goals on possessions inside UGA’s 20, along with the worst kickoff coverage this side of Zook undid the Cocks, but credit the OBC for putting on a show following the nationally televised cat-fight with NCSU.
5. It’s official, USC is now poised for 2 weeks of BCSCG hype, followed by an untimely loss-or 2 if Saturday’s vanilla performance is a harbinger-and a season-ending win streak which will prompt the E-SPIN heads to sing in unison “SC is playing as well as anyone in the country right now.” While it would be nice for Florida deliver a solid a**-kicking of the prophylactics in the BCSCG, the key to this wish is the phrase “right now,” which impliedly points out that the Trojans will have sucked against someone else that also sucks a month or so before.
6. Florida’s trip to Baton Rouge looks a little rosier to the uninitiated. LSU was outgained by over 200 yards in Washington last week and judging by the scoreboard, struggled to put away Vandy. This sentiment, which seems common amongst Florida fans, belies the fact that LSU was never threatened by Vandy, and coasted to relatively convincing victory nonetheless. And, playing Vandy is about as exciting as drunk-dialing an ex-girlfriend at 2 a.m. becuase the girl you were buying drinks for all night lef with your buddy. Still, it would be nice to see The Hat joining The Vest and the cherub-faced Kiffin on the first train outta’ town if the Tigers get cleansed by the Gators on October 11, but don’t count on it.
7. Florida State’s trip to Gainesville looks like a horror show. Hell, the ‘Noles may get pummeled so bad by the polygamists next week that they may just forfeit the remainder of the season. The only upside for SNL is watching Bownden hem and haw on his
Sunday program, dropping punchy 1-liners like “I don’t know who #19 is,” and “I can’t remember what play we had called there.” Like all sentient beings, SNL likes Bowden, but his equity in the program has dwindeld to an all-time low and it may be time to move on. Bowden for Senate! For the uninformed, the ‘Noles squeaked by Jackson St. last week after trailing most of the 4th-quarter. Would it be an overstatement after 2 games to say the Florida State sucks-again? Probably not. But always looking to err on the side of caution, SNL will refrain from making so strident a statement for fear of a bellicose response from the ‘Nole readers, who don’t know what that last sentence means. But, after Tech kicks the crap out of Da’U this Thursday, all bets are off.
-So Sayeth the Shepherd
Tags: BCS, Degenerate Gambler, LSU, Meyer, The Hat, The OBC, the Vest, UT
