Degenerate Gamblers

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Thursday’s Pick (11-4 over last 2 weeks): The Ghost of Thursdays Past

October 22, 2009 in ACC, ATS, Degenerate Gamblers, Main Content | No comments

FSU (+3) v. UNC:  Was a time when FSU ruled the world relatively speaking, at least the world north of Coral Gables.  Many won’t believe this, but it’s true.  We here at SNL vividly recall numerous ACC beat-downs meted out by the ‘Noles, and few more handed to our beloved Gators. 

Today, we here at SNL laugh and laugh some more at the futility of FSU football, which is like a turtle on its back about now.  Naturally, it is not lost upon us that this would be funnier if FSU wasn’t getting a little laugh of its own by crushing Florida’s strength-of-schedule with each humiliating loss (and some victories).  Still, it’s hard to not to empathize with the ‘Noles, at least for those who suffered through the Zook era, and Bowden remains the affable, grandfather that many of us never had.

None of which has a damn thing to do with tonight’s game, which pits former warden of Da’U penitentiary, Butch “I’ll find a way to make you eligible” Davis, against the affable old feller described above.  True to form, the warden has a solid defense, full of criminal types capable of causing considerable duress amongst you suburbanites and your uptight wives.  Problem is, Davis has yet to find a QB, and lacks the depth of criminals necessary to overcome this shortcoming on the offensive side of the ball.

FSU, conversely, has had a couple of weeks to bask in the implosion of their program, which has been a frightful site even for avowed ‘Nole haters.  The fans are sick of Bowden, who now says he will be around for a “few years,” and their coach-in-waiting, Fisher, has shown nothing to indicate that he is the answer.  Even so, ponderous sorts will ultimately find their way to the fact that Ponder is an above-average QB and ‘Noles offense is, in fact, pretty capable when it wants to be, which should be the case tonight.  Look for the ‘Noles to rally around Bowden tonight, and win this game outright-but take the 3 points for good measure.  FSU +3. 

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: ACC, ATS, Da' U, Degenerate Gamblers, Noles

Saturday’s late games (2-1 on the nooners, or so it seems)

October 10, 2009 in ACC, ATS, BCS, BIG 10, Degenerate Gamblers, E-SPIN, Main Content, PAC 10 | No comments

  Wife is at the movies and junior is napping, so let’s get to it.

Wisconsin (+16/47u) at The Vest: 

for the Vest, this game is like looking in one of those mirrors that makes you look ten pounds heavier, with Wisconsin being roughly the same team-philosophically speaking-as the Buckeyes are under the Vest’s stewardship .  So, the Vest should be in his comfort zone today when the cornfed Badgers roll into town.  Slothful of feet are those Badgers, and with only a mediocre passing attack, The Vest is the cerebral equal of his opponent for a change.  That said this number is little too high or put another way, Wisconsin isn’t that much fatter than OSU.  Take the generous points here and throw a bone on the under while you’re at it.  

Georgia Tech (+3) at FSU:  A week of turmoil for the ’Noles, who just can’t seem to run off Bowden-like the criminals at AIG, he’s just “too big” to fail.  The good nes for the ’Noles is that for 3.5 hours or so, they can stop hearing about how much they suck, which is considerable.  The bad news, the Yellow Jackets are technically sound and appear to be hitting their stride, and Bowden is still the Coach.  Wrong team favored, FSU implodes on itself like a dying star tonight.  GT +3.

Ole Miss (+5.5) v. ‘Bama:  Like his taller sibling, Meyer, Saban is a bit of a pill, a control freak who cannot relax and would refuse to sign your son’s hat if you saw him at a restaurant.  Also like Meyer, Saban is goood, real gooooooooooooood…  Nutt, conversely, seems like a fun guy parading around in his brim hat a la Greg Norman.  As for the X’s and O’s, Nutt’s D is salty and they have something to prove today, while ‘Bama just needs to win.  SNL loves getting the points at home and will also lay a little on the under.  Shop this one around because the line is between 4 and 5.5 depending on where you’re buying. 

Smaller plays:

Michigan/Iowa over 47

CSU (+9) over Utah

UCLA (+4) over Oregon

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

 

Tags: ACC, ATS, Darth Saban, Degenerate Gamblers, SEC, Urban

News and Notes: ACC Roulette, UT still after Meyer, and Da’U returns (again)…

October 5, 2009 in ATS, BCS, Dr. Saturday, Main Content | No comments

SNL watched a ton of football yesterday, going 2-1 on posted picks and 4-0 on night games (sorry, Flock, wasn’t near the computer).  The season record is running in the red again at 10-9 officially and 16-10 unofficially (for the record, “unofficial” games are games played but not posted before kickoff).

Moving on….after teasing its dwindling fan base with a bludgeoning of the morally sound but physically inept Latter Day Saints in Provo, FSU has returned to form, losing to 2 underdogs in a row.  For those who enjoy reveling in FSUs malaise, revel in this:  FSU is now 0-2 in the ACC and 12-14 in league play since 2006.  And, were it not for a last second comeback against I-AA Jacksonville St., the Noles would be 1-4 at the mid-point of the season.

For Gator fans, like SNL, FSU’s impotence is disappointing on two fronts:  First, Florida’s SOS is taking a severe beating as a result of FSU’s fee-fall.  Gone are the days when Florida could point out that it’s non-conference slate, however pathetic (and it often is), included a year-end date with an in-state rival and powerhouse FSU. 

Second, and much more upsetting to the Gator-alleginat, hating the ‘Noles is essentially a politically incorrect position about now, like hating Nemo because of his “special fin” or Charlie Sheen because he’s rich for sucking at acting  Hell, SNL may spear-head a canned good drive for the ‘Noles if they get any worse, which they apparently have in the last 24 hours due to a prominent booster’s public call for an end of the Bowden era.  The student-body has also chimed in with this fine piece of work:

Always the optimist, a seemingly giddy Bowden was overheard telling a local reporter that “[t]his was the third best game I’ve ever been a part of this year,” and “Lord loves a workin’ man.”   Seriously?  Coach, with all due respect, you’re becoming the ex that won’t accept the break-up and keeps showing up at the front door unannounced with a cheesy gift.  If you love something, set it free…

Shifting back into cerebral mode, does FSU even keep Fisher at this point?  This is a fine mess. 

Erstwhile…Coach Kiffin and his Jolly Vols dropped another home game, this one to conference rival Auburn.  Coach Kiffin now boasts-literally, he “boasts”-a 7-19 record as a head coach, and the Vols remain winlesst in the conference.  “Still, we coulda’ lost that sucker by 20 or 30 points,” said a jubilant Coach Kiffin after the loss, “so I consider this a moral victory for this program.”  You heard it here folks, UT is now 4-1 when factoring in its “moral” victories.    Not to worry, the gushing UT contingent was hosting a bevy of high-caliber recruits and, after showing a promotional video on the stadium big screen, faded with the image of Pope Urb to the delight of the frenzied crowd, proving once again that hurling empty taunts at America’s best CFB program is way more entertaining that watching UT football.  SNL, too, pokes fun at those who are better looking, have more money, success, fame, and prospects, so there’s some empathy here.  That said the Vols must realize that their unbridled hatred for Pope Meyer is a tacit admission of what they know to be true deep in side their tattered souls:  UT is horrible-still.

Seriously, the Vols host UGA this week (a pick’em according to Vegas Hilton), and SNL expect the Kiffinwill be 0-3 in the conference in short order.  Perhaps this is the week that Kiffin will make good on his promise to use the flu as an excuse when his team performs poorly.  The obvious juxtaposition of this folly is that his team ALWAYS performs poorly.  Perhaps the flu excuse should be saved for that game when UT performs well-Vandy is still on the schedule, after all. 

In Gotham City…hordes of felons with no legitimate affiliation to Da’U committed various assaults, larcenies, and robberies to show their exuberance following Da’U’s come from behind victory over OU.  Big Game Bob was admittedly short-handed, but Miami appears to be a viable contender for  the ACC crown this year.  A fact which sends shivers down the spine of all legitimate BCS executives who stand to lose a ton of money if they get sandbagged with the Raiders…errr…..Hurricanes in a bowl game as the bulk of Da’U’s fan base can’t leave the county withuot permission from their probation officer.  In a related story, the ACC is investigating allegations that several students (that’s Dade County Community College Students-fyi) colluded with stadium officials to sit in designated seats where the stadium lights would refract off of their mouth jewelry and thereby blind Oklahoma’s quarterback.  No word on this yet. 

Quickly….Tebow?  We don’t need no Tebow, or so says Vegas, Florida opens as a 9-point fav over the Tigers of the Bayou…UNC is starting to turn on Coach Davis who has failed to deliver on his promise to make the Heel the “Powder Blue U”….Houston, we hardly knew ye’, and don’t want to after the a**-kicking handed to you this week…speaking of which, anyone want to pick up the mantle of the Big 12 about now? …South Floridais moving along with a showdown coming up with Cincinnati….LSU hasn’t lost a night game at Tiger Stadium since 2002 and Pope Urban is 28-3 with a bye-week…Stewart Mandel, possessor of marginal talent, has decreed Alabama as the best team in the Country, and SNL isn’t so sure he’s wrong (this time)…

 

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: ATS, Bama, BCS, Degenerate Gamblers, LSU, Meyer, SEC, Tebow, UGA, Urban Meyer

Saturday’s card: A little chalk for a change.

September 26, 2009 in ATS, Degenerate Gamblers | No comments

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Da’ “Powder Blue” U is frustratingly close to covering in this game….missed FG’s by both teams and an broken play have been the difference thus far.  GTU just picked off a crappily thrown ball, so 6-5 (9-5 unofficially) here we come.  Let’s get up off the mat…

Da’U (-3) at VTU: Regulars know SNL hates road chalk.   He also hates Da’U and is on record as saying he will vote for any political candidate willing to pull all troops from the Middle East and invade South Florida.  The sad truth is that this would only drive the hoodrats farther north. 

That said CFB investing is an endeavor which precludes emoting, and D’U is clearly the better team here.  Better on offense, better on defense.  In fact, Da’U is so statistically dominant that the line smacks of “trap.”  To make matters worse, Vincenzo is a Tech fan and every Tuesday, win or lose, SNL has to meet Vincenzo and his entourage of corpulent Italian “friends” in the back of Sal’s Fine Italian Eatery  to either pay or get paid.  So profiting from a V.Tech loss will not be well received.  Irrespective, ‘Canes roll and SNL rolls with them.  Da’U -3.

Cal (-6) v. Oregon:  The second road doggie of the day.  Why is this line so low?   Because Oregon sucks that bad and Cal plays the Men of Troy next week.  The classic look-ahead game, but Cal has the best running back in CFB and Oregon’s QB is…well….fat.  SNL realizes this is an impolitic characterization, but see above about emoting.  Cal -6. 

Col. St. (+19) at the Mormons:  SNL is officially off the Mormon bandwagon after last week’s shellacking to the Noles (who are this week getting shellacked by a Grothe-less USF).  Just so we’re clear, SNL is still a fan of polygamy-on paper at least.  Colo. St. is 3-0 and has a nice offense.  SNL expects the Rams to get outscored, but not by 19.  Colo. St. +19.

Washington (+9) v. Stanford:  No love for Kiffin’s successful half-brother, the Sark, or Jake Locker.  The U-dub brand just isn’t what it used to be.  By the point to get the touchdown and a field goal on this one. 

UNC has scored!!!  Down 17 and running the 2-minute offense, which is what the flat-earthers in Knoxville call “magic.”  Maybe….nahh…..

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: Da' U, Degenerate Gamblers, DEGENERATES, PAC 1+9, SEC

A Thursday Night Lean for the Degenerates: Meet the OBC

September 24, 2009 in ATS, Cocks, Degenerate Gamblers, E-SPIN, Rebels | No comments

Ole Miss (-4/53) at South Carolina:  Regular visitors know that SNL loves to write about USC for 2 reasons:  1) A soft spot for the OBC, a great Gator and a**-kicker of (former) Gator nemesis’, UGA and UT.   As fate would have it, tGeorgia SCarolina Footballhe OBC is under the Thursday Nite Lights again this very evening, taking on a top-5 club in Nutt’s Ole Miss Rebels.  Now the bulk of you will no doubt entertain yourselves with soophomoric hyperbole predicated on the fact that the Rebels’ Caoch is “Coach Nutt”, and the South Carolina mascot is “the Cocks”.  Hah, hah.  SNL would love to engage in this banal dribble, no sarcasm intended, except that he is trying to figure out an angle on this game from the more mature perspective, i.e. beating the spread.

Dr. Saturday has penned an erudite piece on this game, the thesis of which is that the Ole Miss “brand” (as opposed to USC, Florida etc…) has not been around long enough to embed itself in the collective consciousness of the college gamblers…err….fans.  Ergo, this spread is low-which it is-for a top-5 club on the road at an unranked opponent.  SNL tends to agree, which makes Ole Miss the play here-right?  Maybe not.  Spurrier still claims some cache’, at least offensively, and Nutt has shown a propensity to shoot too soon when playing the Cocks, as was the case last year when Ole Miss promptly lost to USC after narrowly defeating a turnover plagued Gator squad.  Ole Miss has also feasted on lightweights, Memphis and fill-in-the-direction Louisiana, which means we have no real objective measure to determine how good Ole Miss really is this year.  Ole miss did, however, give up a 179 yards rushing to Memphis, which may be a harbinger of this year’s rush defense.  Even so, the OBC’s Cocks aren’t known for exploiting up the middle, so this fact may bear little on tonight’s game.

The Cocks, after making all of us suffer through a 7-3 snoozer at NC St., lit up the scoreboard against UGA.  Problem is, everyone is lighting up the scoreboard against UGA this year.  Long gone are the days we can count on the OBC’s offensive genius to turn armless Qb’s into Heisman Trohpy winners.  In fact, about all we can count on from USC tonight is a bunch of un-funny puns employing the obvious double-meaning of the word “Cock”, as show more fully below. 

At the end of the day, there’s simply not enough of a resume here to head in either direction, which means a play on either side would be G-A-M-B-L-I-N-G to say the least.  Still, SNL knows that most of the flock are quaking like the dopers on intervention to put some “action” on tonight’s game.  You know who you are Mr. “debit-card-on-BoDog”, denial will only hurt you in the long run.  In effort to satisfy your fix, however, SNL will tell you that the “value” in this line is on the Under, based on Ole Miss’ perceived ability to score and the nationally televised USC’-UGA game, which produced around 80-points.  That said value is a relative term, and SNL is going to pray that the OBC can draw up some ball plays that will allow his Cocks to hang around, so if you must, takethe under and the points, and play small!! 

Flock, before you go doubling-down on your whole $31.00 bankroll tonight, please know that this weekend’s card is the best so far from an investment standpoint.  So be judicious in your investing.  Also, please note that SNL will not take credit-win or lose-for this pick, which is purely given to assuage the degenerates among you, who are many. 

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: BCS, Degenerate Gambler, Degenerate Gamblers, Rebs

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