PAC 10

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Thoughts from opening night…and a failure to communicate.

September 4, 2009 in ATS, BCS, Main Content, PAC 1 + 9, Pope Meyer, SEC | No comments

  Scroll to the :55 mark and you can see the straight right to the mouthy Boise St. player.  Naturally, this sort of thing cannot be condoned-especially when the right hand was delivered backing away, which any MMA guy will tell you makes the blow more of b**** slap than a punch.  Even so, when SNL looks at Boise’s remaining schedule and considers how all of the E-SPIN heads are going talk about Boise’s right to play in BCBS, he too feels like punching a Bronco player.

Depending on where you sit-geographically-last night’s Boise-Oregon tilt can be interpreted as a referendum of Boise’s continued ascendancy to CFB’s elite, or the impotence of every PAC-10 team outside of Poodle Pete’s wrecking crew.  Whether rooted in fact or fiction, the fact of the matter is that the PAC-10 had yet another chance to embed a second team into the national psyche and failed to do-and quite miserably at that.  Oregon was never in this game and looked less physical and slower than the smurf-turf boys from Boise.  And, while there is no doubt Boise is a top-25 program, they really cannot be considered an elite program until they play an elite schedule, i.e. a schedule with 4 or 5 top-20 teams.  So for now, the PAC 10 remains the PAC 1+9 and what’s worse-for Duck fans anyway-is that Oregon maybe this year’s Michigan.

If there’s an upside for the PAC 1+9, it has to be the continued impotence of Spurrier’s Cocks (enjoy the admittedly sophomoric play on words, Pierce), who used short field to score there only touchdown in the 1st Quarter and hung on to win 7-3.  Using the sitcom baromerter, Oregon’s pathetic showing was Everybody Loves Raymond as compared to USC/NCST’s Two and a Half Men.

Seriously, SNL was ready to extract his own tooth by halftime, and midway  through the third, was looking for his son’s Finding Nemo video to dull the pain.  Having grown up as a veritable witness of Spurrier’s “offensive genius,” SNL is greatly pained by the slow, tortuous demise of Spurrier’s offense and his aura.  Truth be told, watching USC is like watching an ex-girlfriend that dumped you unexpectedly get fat.  However, because you are now with the hottest girl in town, you wish the ex well and thus do not get the smug satisfaction you would otherwise have.  About the only plus for SEC homers is that the conference is 1-0, albeit in a way that feels a lot like o-1. 

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: PAC 1+9, PAC 10, SEC, Spurrier

THE ALTERNATIVE TRUTH OF THE BCS OR, “IS THAT A BUCKEYE UP AHEAD?”

October 20, 2008 in ACC, ATS, BCS, BIG 10, Degenerate Gamblers, Gators, Joe Pa', LSU, Main Content, PAC 1 + 9, Pope Meyer, SEC, Saban, Saint Bobby, The Hat, UGA, Vols | No comments

The BCS is officially upon us and most, if not all CFB apologists, have long been innoculated from shock induced by the first official BCS poll, which has been shown to be anything but an edict once the final whistle blows.

That said this year’s inaugural BCS poll has illuminated a frightening possibility:  Ohio State back in the BCS Title Game.  Yep, the Buckeyes, emphatic losers on the biggest stage to Florida, LSU, and most recently, USC, are but one of several one-loss teams with a plausible shot at making it to Miami this January.

For fans of 10th-ranked Florida, OSU’s ranking gives rise to quite a conundrum.  First, Florida must hope that the Buckeyes prevail over Joe Pa’s Lions this week as the Lions remaining schedule is miserable.  This too, however, comes with a significant downside as an OSU win further bolsters USC’s standing.  USC, like PSU, has a miserable schedule and should coast to 11-1, and like OSU, is ranked ahead of Florida. 

This peculiar melding of time, space, and prose, could devolve into a scathing indictment of the Buckeyes, who have (somewhat unfairly) become the Buffalo Bills of our time.  This wooden interpretation, however, sails wide right of the real culprit, the BCS and the resultant confusion for football purists, such as SNL.

For example, Florida fans must now root for FSU (ranked 25th), Alabama, and Georgia to bolster its strength of schedule and, oh yeah, try and win each game as convincingly as possible-which means kicking a late field goal if necessary to go up by 23 points (sorry Coach Shannon, this is big boy football). 

This scenario comprises the Rubik’s Cube that is the BCS, at least  for the contenders and their fans.  Long gone are simpler times, when a loyal foot soldier of the Gators could in good-faith hope for the ‘Noles entire team to simultaneously combust or pray for Da’ U’s cranksters to be sentenced to 15 to life after being ensnared in a reverse cocaine sting in Coconut Grove. 

Nope, today’s CFB landscape is rife with fleeting liaisons in early September that, like one night stands with your undergraduate neighbor, are interminable, at least until you move on to next season (or into a new apartment).  Each week’s scores comprise layers upon layers of comparative data, used to feed software created by dorks and harnessed into computer polls that distill a finished product that seems strangely without any empirical worth whatsoever (see Ohio State ranked above USC as Exhibit “A”). 

Naturally,  those who are forced to endure a season’s worth of dashed hopes, missed chances, and crushed dreams can channel this clusterf*** into a positive.  For example, fans of UM and the Vols can exalt in the fact that their suckitude is at least partly responsible for Florida’s lowly ranking.  Ditto for the entire PAC-10 excluding the Men of Troy. 

Irrespective, the sum of the BCS parts is to be villified for what it isn’t-an objective system that produces a champion by way of a playoff system.  Nonetheless, proponents for the current system remain (though many are in hiding from November through January).  Most vapidly tote the “its better than nothing” party line-the hell it is.  SNL, for one, would rather return to the days of conference bowl affiliations and split titles than allow this charade to continue unfettered.  Naturally, if Florida wins out and defeats an undefeated ‘Bama and by doing so reserves aspot opposite UT, OK, or USC in Miami, SNL will take it all back. 

ERSTWHILE……

The delicate balance between good and evil has been restored, albeit temporarily, as ‘Bama’s behemoth defensive tackle, Mount Cody, is expected to miss 2-4 weeks with an MCL sprain.  Naturally, this can be explained as simply “football,” or alternatively, a karmic event brought on by Darth Saban’s incessant pursuit of world domination.  Either way, The Hat is probably feeling a little better about now.

Mizzou and Texas Tech are much worse than advertised, SNL expects both to be ranked no higher than 20th when the dust settles and won’t be surprised if one or both are unranked at some point.

Boomer Sooner Defense has surrendered damn near 1,000 yards in its last 2 games.  SNL is well aware that the QB play in the Big 12 is superb this year, but remains resistant to the notion that the Big 12 offenses are so good that Oklahoma-whose coach made his way to the $4 million per year money train coaching defense-can’t hold the Jayhawks to under 491 yards.  South Florida held the Jayhawks to 60 less yards than the bevy of blue chippers in Norman, fyi. 

Finally, how good is Texas?  Damn good.  How’s that for genius insight? 

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: ACC, BCS, Big 12, Darth Saban, PAC 10, SEC

NOBODY HATES TO SAY “I TOLD YOU SO”

September 20, 2008 in ACC, BIG 10, Degenerate Gamblers, Main Content, PAC 1 + 9, SEC | No comments

Bear hunting season  We all know that employing transitive reasoning (you know, x beat, y, y beat z, therefore x is better than z) is essentially non sequitir-i.e. a useless way to rate the relative power of college football teams.  However, SNL has been preaching to anyone willing to listen that USC’s beatdowns of Virginia and Big 10 middleweight, Ohio State, would be much less impressive as the season wore on. 

In true Ms. Cleo fashion, Virginia has since gone on to lose 45-10 to UConn.  Those of you who are truly worthy of society’s pity swa UConn escape with a 31-28 victory of the visiting Baylor Cubs last night.  One step removed is the fact that the Baby Bears were drummed 41-13 by Wake Forest-at home.  The inevitable distillation of these facts, which is by no means difficult, is that Virginia may be the worst team in college football this year, which in turn means that USC’s opening day victory is about as relevant as Jenna Jamison’s ability to act.

The prophecy will be completed -stay with me here-when Ohio State loses another 2 (and possibly 3) games this year, which should further undermine the wave of Trojan love that has swept up the mainstream media outlets.  Trust SNL, the Men of Troy are quite vincible.

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: BCS, PAC 10, Trojans

DEGENERATE GAMBLERS: SNL’S FINAL CARD

August 28, 2008 in Degenerate Gamblers, PAC 10, SEC, SEC Fans | No comments

1 Star Pick (times 1 million)

USC (-19.5) at Virginia: 

What Vegas thinks YOU think:  On its face, this spread is large enough to scare the seasoned gambler, who knows not to lay a ton of points on the road in an opening game against a BCS foe.  The soothsayers atop their Vegas temples that orchestrated this line also think you will recall last year’s stingy Cavalier defense, anchored by Howie Long’s son.  Ergo, the degenerates, clinging to tried and true gambling principles, will be hesitant to lay almost 3 TD’s on a road-team that had to travel 3,000 miles.

Also, fresh in the minds of the gambling public (you know who you are) is SC’s loss to Stanford as a 41-point favorite. 

What SNL says:  “Fuhget about it!!!”  The all-world Long was the only UVA player who could have even sniffed the field for USC, and he is LONG-gone (get it!).  Oh yeah, so is Long’s partner in crime, Jeff Fitzgerald (7 sacks in ‘07), an academic casualty who will undoubtedly surface at a community college and ultimately land in the SEC-West.  In sum, the team that won 6 games last year by 5 points or less is nowhere to be found.

Erstwhile, in the West Coast Gotham, the Trojans have gone through another methodical off-season which saw another (yawn) top 3 recruiting class and by all acounts, is fielding a defense that would rank middle of the pack in the NFL.  Oh yeah, this team has also won its last 4 openers by an average of 30+ points. 

Not convinced yet?  Oh well, you are stupid.  Gamble away my carefree friends, this is a mortal lock.

USC (-19.5)

 1 Star Pick (times 250,000)

Florida Atlantic (+24) at Texas:  Q:  The image above is:

a)  A Russian Politician.

b)  Wilford Brimley’s erudite younger brother.

c)  FAU Coach, Howard “the mouth ” Schnellenberger.

If you guessed c) and reside outside of the southern tip of Florida, you are most likely without female companionship, which will not change anytime soon Mr. “I’m in 7 fantasy leagues.”  Moving on, Schnellie remains the man that led Da’ U to its first national title and now coaches  FAU’s football team, which returns SBC Player of the Year, Rusty Smith.  True, FAU is housed in Boca Raton, Florida, home to strip-malls, swimming pools, and rich sycophants with last names ending in “berg” and “stein.”  Also true that FAU boasts a student body of only 10,000.  Nonetheless, this is the House that Scnellie built, albeit on questionable foundations, and is the current home of the defending Sun Belt Football Champions.

In additon to FAU’s star quarterback, a consensus first-round draft pick in 2009, FAU returns 16 starters from last years campaign which ended with victories of Troy and Memphis.  In the “you dumbass, why’d you go and do that column,” sits Schnellie’s recent decision to call out the Texas Longhorns as a bunch of nancy-boys who were going to get hit in the mouth all day by FAU’s stalwart  defenders, most of whom were starters on last years 99th ranked defense. Not the cleverest use of “strategery” by Schnellie.

Texas, conversely, is stacked with blue-chippers but returns only 5 starters on a defense that allowed a staggering 60.7% completion rate against it in 2007.  Muschamp’s addition will make a difference, but probably not enough to cover this large number against a team that can pass the ball as efficiently as FAU.

In addition to being a harbinger of approaching senility, Schnellie’s slip of the tongue will undoubtedly have the Longhorn’s in a belacose staqte come Saturday, which has caused SNL to lower this game from a 500,000 star pick to a mere 250,000 star pick.  Nonetheless, look for FAU to cover this large number through the back-door after the ‘Horns have iced the game and turn their attention to the co-eds, which is more than a worthy pursuit in Austin.

Pick:  FAU (+24)

-So Sayeth the Shepherd

Tags: Degenerate Gambler, PAC 10, West Coast